Saturday, December 20, 2008

Christmas without Hubby, round 2.

Before Hubby left last year, I was surprisingly ok with him being gone for Christmas. I thought that since he was leaving before, the guys he was replacing would be able to be home with their families for the holiday, plus, Hubby and I had our Christmas celebration before he left. We exchanged gifts and stockings and it was Christmas to us.

On Christmas last year, Hubby had been gone for only 15 days. I was confident about the day up until Christmas Eve. Every December 24, for the last 23 years of my life, I have spent with my mom's family at my aunt's house. It's an evening I look forward to every year. We leave our house around 3, stop by the cemetery to put swags on my grandparent's grave, stop by my (dad's side) great aunt and uncle's house to say hello and for some homemade Italian creations. We then venture on to my aunt's where we have food, food and more food followed by delicious desserts. It's an evening filled with family, friends and holiday tradition. When we were little Santa would even come pay us a visit. I'm not sure when exactly it hit me last year, but I soon realized that Christmas would not be the cake-walk I was hoping it would be.

Christmas day rolled around and I felt grateful and blessed to be able to spend the day with my parents and have our meal with my best friend, Michelle, and her family, but something was missing. Something was missing, Hubby and I were supposed to be spending our first married Christmas together, not a world apart. The thought that my new husband was in Iraq on Christmas, alone with no family to spend the day with tore at my heart all day. The fact that we were not together made my heart sink. I was hopeful however. I thought, "next Christmas won't be so bad because Hubby will be coming home so soon."

Well, it's five days until Christmas and, well, yes Hubby is coming home in just about two and a half months, but as I sit here, listening to Christmas music on the radio, my heart feels as heavy as it did a year ago. While everything has changed, nothing has changed at the same time. The deployment sucks no matter what, but the holidays make it especially tough. What makes Christmas what it is, is family and tradition. Even though I will be with my parents and extended family this Christmas, my husband will again be on the other side of the world. I will sit go through the day with the guilt that I get to have a Christmas at home, while Hubby is in Iraq with no family, just soldiers sharing a table, eating a decent meal. Nothing about that says Christmas. I just hope that Hubby will keep in mind that no matter the distance, he is always in my heart and my mind, especially at Christmastime.

Monday, December 1, 2008

Time flies...

As I rolled out of bed this morning, I glanced at my calendar, "December 1st?" I thought to myself. "How did it get to be December already?" Looking back over the last year, I can't believe that I've made it as far as I have. In just about a week, Hubby will have been gone for a year. 365 days. 52 weeks. 12 months. Where did it go? Thinking about the deployment thus far, I can sum it up as this: overall the time flew but the day-to-day grind crawled. It's hard to explain and I'm sure even harder to understand unless you've been through it. Most people can't begin to fathom the concept of having their husbands leave them for a year, well neither could I.

At this time last year, I was struggling pretty bad. The idea of the unknown terrified me. I tried so hard to be happy and truly enjoy Hubby and my last week together, but reality is that the thought of the pending doom ahead was never far from my thoughts. I looked back 15 months from where I was and was shaken at how different my life was then; I couldn't help but think that after spending 15 months away from Hubby, my life would be drastically different then, too. After having been through 12 of the 15 months, I tell people that the anticipation was worse than the actual deployment. Although, when I tell them that, I leave out the days that were worse, those days that I spent checking my email every five or ten minutes to see if I got a message or checking the online bank account to see any transaction that Hubby may have done so I can see that he is in fact ok, even though I haven't spoken with him in days. A friend and I decided that if the guys were only gone for a year, it would be much more managable because 15 months is an undefined amount of time, pretty hard to wrap your head around. If Hubby were only gone for a year, he'd be on his way home and I would be back in Hawaii.

On January 1, 2008, I made myself several resolutions, things that I wanted to complete by the time Hubby came home. I wanted to get back in better shape, get myself and our finances organized, graduate from college, get a job, and become a more independent person. I am proud to say that after 12 months, all of these resolutions have been met and some even exceeded. I am proud of myself for making it this far, but just have to find the strength and courage to make it though yet another Christmas another holiday season without my husband. The first year of our marriage was handed over to Iraq, the military got more out of my husband than I have, but all that is just for three more months, and then I have him for the rest of our lives.

Leaving home, however, is going to be rather bittersweet for me. I attended college in South Carolina, so going from there to Hawaii was not difficult. Since I have been home with my parents and friends for a year, I've grown quite accustomed to the daily life in Massachusetts. I've become a lot closer with both of my parents and have developed my friendships ever further. Being away from my family and only visiting a few times a year just doesn't seem like enough for me. I want to be able to go shopping with my mom on a random weekend, have lunch with my dad and be able to see my friends on the weekends. It makes me sad to know that I won't be a part of my parents or friends day-to-day lives. Being in the holiday season really amplifies this. Knowing that holidays will not all be spent with my family makes me sad and maybe makes me a bit selfish. I do know that I will be quite homesick for quite some time.

How quickly the time has passed, I wish that I had done more with my time, achieved more, spent more time with friends, taken more classes. Overall, the time has gone well and luckily for me, Hubby will be home in just three months.

Thursday, November 13, 2008

Back to the grind.

I just received a comment on my last blog about a company who is doing a promotion for people who have loved ones deployed. They are giving away 20,000 free welcome home banners & jumbo greeting cards. You can order the big, vinyl signs you always see for free, the only thing you pay is shipping. It's definitely a great deal. So please, any military families, anyone, spread the word, tell your families and friends. Visit the website at: www.buildasign.com/Troops

Anyway, I started my first, full-time week at work and I actually like it. Everyone always told me that I'd miss college, blah, blah. But I don't, I really don't. I haven't been able to talk to Hubby much lately, he was recently promoted and has been really busy. So busy in fact that he's slept in his office the past couple nights. The hardest thing is not knowing when he is going to call, not knowing if he is ok. I talk to him very consistently, and when our schedule gets off whack, I get really nervous. I start creating worst-case scenarios in my mind. I relentlessly check my facebook and my gmail accounts for any word, I even check our online bank statements to see if he's been using his card. If he has, I know he's ok. After a few days without a phone call, Hubby finally called around 2am, and we spoke for a short period of time. He was able to call again this morning while I was at work, and luckily, my boss is 100% understanding. I told him it was Scott on the phone and that I was heading downstairs to talk to him, he even offered his office so I wouldn't be bothered. I still don't feel like, though, that when Hubby and I talk when I am at work, that I can have a real, good conversation with him. It's frustrating, but the end is near and is getting so close I can see it on the horizon. In just about three months, I will be packing up my life as I know it at home and heading back to Hubby and my tropical paradise. If only I could make those three months hurry up!!

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

Quick Update

Well, I know it's been a while since I have made a post. In my defense, I have been really busy. The day after Hubby left I started a new job working for the town. And on top of that my dad just had a heart attack on Monday. Scary stuff, he's ok, but is still in the hospital, but will finally be coming home tomorrow. So needless to say, in between work and running to the hospital, the last thing on my mind was writing a blog.

My dad's heart attack made me think. He's a healthy person, I convinced he and my mom to get back to the gym over the summer, he goes about 4 times a week, he eat pretty healthy (having stomach problems and being lactose intolerant does that to you), his cholesterol is 120, which I guess is really good. Two of the main arteries in his heart were 70 and 80 percent blocked. It's funny how you can do everything right, but still get shit luck. Life has its own course of action in mind for each of us and sometimes nothing we do can change that.

I have been missing Hubby a lot in the past couple days, but I have been busy enough to keep my mind off the fact that our once a day conversations are brief, not nearly long enough to catch each other up on our lives.

Next week, my sister's family is coming out to visit which will be so much fun except that it will be the first week I work full-time, which is a definite drag. Luckily Tuesday is a holiday and even though I have to work late for a meeting one day, I get Friday off in return.

I am always counting the days to something. Now it's until my sister gets here and then it will be Thanksgiving, then Christmas, New Year's, Valentine's Day, and eventually the day I get to go back to Hawaii. Always counting, always. I can't wait for Hubby to come home, so I no longer have to count. Hurry up!

Monday, October 27, 2008

Military Hierarchy.

While yesterday wasn't nearly as bad as when Hubby left the first time, it was still hard nonetheless. My experience yesterday is a worse experience than most people will have to deal with in their marriages or relationships, well aside from death or divorce, obviously. The second goodbye is still painful. I never want to be used to my husband being gone, I never want to get to the point where another goodbye is just another goodbye, to the point where it doesn't even affect me that much. I never want a marriage like that. Since my first Army wife experiences, never have I bought into the Army wife hierarchy. In their world you are not just Jane Doe, no, no, you are *insert rank* Doe's wife. The higher up's wives do not associate with the younger wives and really want nothing to do with them. Being Lt. Hubby's wife, I was pretty low ranking on the Army wife scale. So ridiculous to me. There are those women though, who do buy into it, maybe for traditions sake, maybe because that's their only thing, moving around every four years doesn't give many military wives the opportunity to really become successful in a career. Maybe the hierarchy is their way of feeling successful and important. When really, they are simply wearing their husband's rank. That however, is not my beef with these women. What bothers me the most is that many military wives keep their feelings away from their deployed husbands, because the husbands have better things to worry about. Yes, they do have better things to worry about and I try not to tell Hubby things that would stress him out or things that he has no control over. However, I feel that if a wife keeps all of her emotions inside and never expresses them to her husband, wouldn't he feel that she doesn't need him? Plus, what kind of marriage is it when you can't talk about your feelings and emotions? Hubby tells me what's on his mind, what's bothering him or stressing him out and in turn, I tell him the same. As a normal, healthy marriage should work. I just never want to be so caught up in the strict Army wife standards that it, in turn, bruises my marriage. Upholding certain standards is important in the military world, my marriage is a lot more important.

Sunday, October 26, 2008

Goodbye again


Hubby and I knew that R&R would go quick, and we sure were right. As I said in my previous post, it took a little getting used to him being home and finally when we were back in our groove, he had to leave.

Hubby's 18 days of R&R vacation bliss ended today. Although we were sure that last night would be sad, it turned out not to be. Thinking back to the night before he left in December, I'm pretty sure that I cried for a solid 4 hours with no exaggeration. Last night, not one tear was shed. We talk and laughed and held each other close. We discussed our future and how close it all really is. When the alarm went off this morning, I dreaded getting out of bed and driving to the airport. I tried to convince Hubby to let me come to the gate with him, but he refused explaining that it would just be delaying the inevitable. As we pulled up to the drop-off spot, my heart sank. Another goodbye. He gathered his things and held me, whispering that he loved me in my ear. I touched his soft face, kissed him and watched him walk away, again. My heart broke, again. I got back in the car and watched him disappear into the airport, I sat there for a minute hoping he would come back. I wiped the tears from my eyes and noticed a man from the car in front of me, he gave me a sympathetic smile and a quick wave. I wondered what was going though his head. And as quickly as our paths crossed, he went on bidding farewell to his relative, I drove off. Another tearful goodbye. With this goodbye, comes hope and promise. This departure will be Hubby last, the next time I see him, he will be come home from the Middle East for good and hopefully we will never have to say goodbye ever again. No more tears, just happiness, just typical married couple things, just bliss.

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Home Sweet Home


Well, Hubby has been home for a week and we've been having a wonderful time together. The day he came home, I received a phone call from him in Atlanta saying, "hi honey, I'm getting on a flight in a half hour, I'll see you in 3 hours." "Crap," I thought to myself. I just gotten myself out of bed and barely had the time to check my email and update my blog quickly. I hurried into the shower and scrambled to get ready in time to leave so I wouldn't be late. It was past rush hour, so I figured there wouldn't be a lot of traffic. Well, I was wrong. There is always traffic in Boston. By the time I got to the airport and through security, I had ten minutes before Hubby's flight was scheduled to arrive at the gate. It was a good thing I didn't get there any sooner. As soon as I arrived at the gate, my hands started to shake, my heart pounded so hard I felt like I could see it through my shirt. I tapped my feet on the ground, and patted my hands on my legs. I was so anxious and restless and impatient. Finally, the plane arrived and I stood directly in front of the entryway. I saw Hubby with his sunglasses on and ran into his arms, I felt all the pairs on eyes fixated on us there. The ten months that had passed seemed to disappear and it felt like Hubby had never left in the first place.

Since I'm being honest, it did take a few days for me to get used to Hubby being home. I had to remember that we are an us not a me and you. After being independent for ten months, it was hard to have to build a schedule around a couple not just me. Call it selfish, but that's the way it was. I've never been good at dealing with change and this was just another example. Once we arrived in Charleston, everything was back to normal. We have been having a great time here and wish it would last forever. The thought of Hubby having to go back is so far removed from my thoughts right now, which is good, but I know that the day will sneak up on us all too quickly. So now, I am off to enjoy every last second I have with my Hubby. I'll post another update after he leaves.

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

Today!!


Well, I finally got a good night sleep last night... at least until 5am. It didn't help that my cat, Max came in meowing, looking for food and then plopped himself on my bed, staring at me. I tried to go back to sleep, I really did, but I just couldn't do it. How could I?? Hubby would be landing in Atlanta in an hour or so and I would be getting the phone call to tell me when he will arrive in Boston. I am still waiting. Hurry up Hubby! I am exhausted beyond words. The last few nights have been pretty restless. In just a few hours I will see Hubby for the first time in 10 months. I cannot wait!

Monday, October 6, 2008

Anticipation.

Well, Hubby is coming home tomorrow! I am so excited, but so nervous at the same time. Hubby has been gone since December 2007, ten months. For newly weds, that is a long time to be apart in a crucial time of our marriage. I'm nervous that things won't be the same, nervous that our love for one another will have changed somewhat. I know change is a necessary part of a deployment, but it doesn't make it any easier to handle. When Hubby's friend Cpt. G was headed to Europe to meet his girlfriend and my friend, CityGirl, she was nervous as well. I didn't really understand her nerves until now. I know that everything will be fine once I see him, but the anticipation is killing me. I wish he could hurry up and get here, I am so anxious. Since he will be home for 18 days, I probably won't be writing much while he is home, but I will be sure to post an update as soon as he leaves. Wish me luck!!!

Saturday, October 4, 2008

Field Hockey Superstars

I just want to take a moment to brag about my field hockey teams. As I previously stated, I am assistant coaching JV and Varsity field hockey at my old high school. The girls are awesome and so much fun to work with. Unfortunately, Monday will be my last game with them, but it is for good reason since Hubby is coming home. I know on the bus ride home Monday night, I will be sad to leave because I have been with these girls every day for the past two months. On a varsity run earlier in the week, one of the girls came up to me and said, "Is your husband hot? We decided he has got to be, but is he?" I laughed, "of course he is, he's my husband!" They asked me to bring a picture the next day. When I showed up at practice, the girls swarmed me. "Hubba, hubba" I heard from the crowd, "he's so muscular." I told them that Hubby and I would be attending their last game together. They rejoiced. I kid you not, rejoiced, claiming that the game would be their, "favorite game of the season." Hahaha.

All the girls have great personalities and most have improved drastically over the season. Their records have been amazing to say the least. Varsity with 4-3-4 (wins, losses, ties), JV with 11-0-0, they say it's skill, I say it's good coaching... Either way, they are great girls and I feel so lucky to have had the opportunity to work with them for the past couple months.

Thursday, October 2, 2008

Hurry up!

I am pretty sure that time is at a standstill. The past week has gone by quickly and I am pleasantly surprised that it is already Thursday, but today, ugh, today, it's only 11:30. Hurry up Tuesday!!!!!!!!

Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Waiting...



Hubby comes homes home in a week. Needless to say, I am very excited. The past ten months have gone. And I say that because I can't really say that they flew, at times they dragged, the best description is to say that they went. Months ago, I would look at a week to go and say it was nothing, but I have felt that the past few weeks have gone by slower than any other moment thus far. The closer we get, the slower they go. It's obnoxious really.

As the day nears, I can't help but feel like it will never come. I can't help but feel like it will never come true. I cannot picture myself at the airport greeting Hubby at his gate and running into his arms. Call me a pessimist, but I guess I just don't believe that things will happen until they do. Maybe I've developed that attitude as a result of being hurt by the Army so many times. I wonder how many women feel this way, and how many soldiers too.

So here I wait, seven more days. Hopefully they will be painless and quick. I will be waiting for my dream to become reality. Let's hope that the Army doesn't interfere.

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

On the horizon

Yesterday may have been one of the best days since Hubby left. We finally found out his dates for R&R! In just about three weeks, he will be home here with me. I cannot wait! After he gave me the news and I jumped and danced around the room and called Biscuit and discussed outfits, I thought, "crap, I have a lot to do." I made a list of things that I need to get done before he gets here and realized that while there is a lot to do, it will be fun... and most of it is materialistic errands like getting my hair done, my eyebrows waxed, getting a pedi/mani and picking out the outfit I will wear to pick him up at the airport. Geez, I sound like one of those girls I detest, but whatever, it is all worth it, besides I have to be looking my best when Hubby walks through those doors.

I found out through my FRG (family readiness group) that if I go to the airport's USO with Hubby's flight number and a military ID, then they will give me a pass so I can meet Hubby at his gate. It may sound so simple, but this really makes me happy. I won't have to wait for Hubby to saunter through the terminal to baggage claim. In previous trip to pick him up at the airport, I have found that Hubby doesn't exactly rush to get to baggage, but takes his sweet time, even when I called to tell him to hurry up!

Almost exactly ten months after Hubby left me standing there in Hawaii as I watched him roll away into the unknown, he will be coming home. Even though it's for a little over two weeks, it is exactly what I need to find the strength to pull though the next four months until he is home for good. R and R just can't come soon enough, I am so glad that it is finally on the horizon.

Saturday, September 13, 2008

Naive Me

After my short-lived stint at Liberty Mutual, I was caught between a rock and a hard place when it came to finding a job. I needed to find something to do to keep me busy until Hubby's R&R, which was supposed to be in just a few days but got pushed to October, but I also needed a job with the flexibility to take three weeks off while Hubby was home. After graduation in August, finding a job and taking three weeks off after working there for only three weeks seemed pretty impossible and irresponsible to say the least. I am not the type of person who can just sit at home a do nothing all day, I would go crazy; I needed to find something to do. I played with numerous volunteering ideas from working at the VA hospital to coaching field hockey. Well, the latter stuck. I got in touch with my high school coach and she was thrilled at the idea of my helping out with JV and Varsity. Since late August I have been down at the school every afternoon, going to the games and trying to get the girls in shape. It has been great, I love feeling like I am helping out and doing something worthwhile. Most importantly, coaching has been keeping me busy. Which, as I have said numerous times before, is the most critical thing for me to do since Hubby has been gone. Not only that though, it gives me an alibi. 

Now, I don't mean that in a conniving manner. Whenever I see someone I haven't seen in a long time, the question always arises. "So what are you doing these days?" or "What brings you back to the area?" When I first came home my ignorant, naive self would tell the truth and explain in detail why I, a recent college grad, was living back in my small podunk hometown, with my parents nonetheless. From about December to May I explained it. "Well, I got married last summer and my husband is in the military and he's in Iraq right now, so I'm living at home with my parents until he comes home. I took some time off of school so now I'm finishing up my classes online." Silly me. 

My mom and I went to the Fall Fest in town this morning and I was confronted with two women that I haven't seen in years. My sixth grade language arts teacher and a former boss' best friend/mother of a guy I went to high school with. Obviously in this situation, they both asked the question, "so what have you been up to lately?" and "what are you doing back here?" I smiled and replied, "oh, well I've been assistant coaching JV and Varsity field hockey at the high school. It's great, it has been a lot of fun." That was that. Both women smiled and replied something on the lines of "that must be great Silv (the coach) must love having you." No explanation of Hubby's being in Iraq, no fake, awkward sympathy, just a smile. I just wish I had thought of this sooner. 


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Wednesday, September 3, 2008

Thank you.

It has been so easy to feel alone since Hubby has left. Alone in the sense that no one else understands what I am going through. Alone in that even though our whole family is enduring this, my life is the only one that has drastically changed. Obviously, Hubby and my family has been extremely supportive as have my friends, but when push comes to shove, they just don't get it, and I wouldn't or couldn't expect them to. As I have said before, the only people that truly understand are those who have done it before. 

I have always found comfort in knowing that I am not alone in the sense that many women have done this before, many are doing it now and there will be many more in the future. All of which have endured the pain. There are two types of comforting people, those who have already endured and those who are enduring. I have been blessed with both, all of whom I can consider great friends. I have mentioned Blaze and Biscuit numerous times before. They are both amazing friends who have been so comforting and supportive, listening when I need to talk and offering advice when need be. I have also found comfort in a fiancee of a coworker of Hubby's, CityGirl. Since we have been going through the same deployment, we can share our struggles and excitements and countdown together.

While Blaze and Biscuit offer experience and CityGirl is going through the same thing, it is not my implication that they are the only three people in whom I find support. As I previously mentioned, my family, Hubby's family, my wonderful friends and even Hubby's friends have consistently been checking up on me and keeping me company and I am forever grateful. Their comfort and support mean more than I could ever begin to explain. 

 I am lucky to have so many wonderful people in my life that I have been able to lean on throughout this experience. I really just wanted to acknowledge anyone and everyone who has been here throughout the last nine months and thank them for everything they do, even if they do not realize it. More than you know, thank you. 

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Journey of Life

It's hard to believe that it has almost been nine months since Hubby left. Looking back on previous years without Hubby, so much seemed to occur. 

By the time Hubby comes home for R&R it will have been ten months since we have seen each other. Almost a year. That is a long time. We've been married for just about 14 months, and we have been together for two and a half of those. It's pretty ridiculous if you ask me. 

In the past nine months, a lot has happened. I reacquainted myself with my friends, got myself into good shape, developed a gym habit, finished all my classes, graduated from college, visited my in-laws in San Diego, visited my sister and her family in New Mexico, had a job, lost a job, started assistant coaching JV and varsity field hockey and am training to run my first 5k. 

While I feel that I have accomplished a lot since Hubby has been gone, I still feel that I have not done nearly as much as I had in previous, pre-Hubby times. My life is going forward, I am getting older and reaching many goals I have set for myself, however, a part of me still lingers in the past. While my life is moving forward, my marriage is at a standstill. Hubby and I of course are growing together through this deployment, but all I can base it off of is the past. Reality is that Hubby has missed nine months of my life and will miss another six. 

Part of me wants to enjoy this year and live in the moment, but most of me just yearns for the day when Hubby and I can live life together. When no longer do I have to tell Hubby about the little things or the big things and send pictures so he can see what happened. I cannot wait for the day when we can celebrate the successes of our lives together. I cannot wait for the day when I no longer have to stop my walk of life to look back and see if Hubby is still there. I want to glance to my side and see him next to me. 

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Always flexible

At this point in my life and marriage to a soldier, I should know by now that the Army controls our life and at any moment in time, without any notification, they can change any and everything. 

Hubby and I have been so excited about his upcoming R&R in September. He was supposed to find out the exact date he was going to be leaving this past weekend and he was sure given an answer. My phone rang Saturday morning and giddy, I answered the phone. We carried on as usual for a while and then Hubby said, "I have some bad news." My stomach tightened. But I thought, "Hubby's on the other line, how bad could it be?" He explained that there were too many people signed up to go home in September and his leave date was bumped back to October. 

Now, more people would say, "oh, it's just another month." Well, let me explain that when you have been counting down to a specific date for months and months, to add another month onto that is pretty devastating. Now, he could come home in the beginning of October, which would only be two weeks after his previous date. After a few days of letting this sink in and it's not thaaat bad, but still frustrating. 

Looking back on how I acted, it was pretty ridiculous. I was mad, pissed off, livid really. When Hubby told me the news, I was with a bunch of friends so it didn't really sink in. I told Blaze about what happened and he offered, "don't take it out on him." The next day, after the weekend was over and it all began to sink in, I got even more mad. And what did I do? I took it out on Hubby. Yelled at him, blamed him, the whole nine yards. I know Hubby was mad too and we both took it out on each other. For no reason at all, it's the Army that is to blame. 

I suppose I was looking for someone to vent my anger to, someone to blame, someone to get mad at for making it even longer until I get to see my husband. He was the easiest person to blame. I am disappointed in myself for how I handled the situation, but have learned from it. This is just another reminder that the Army rules our lives, they just wanted to make sure we remembered and we sure do. 

Monday, August 11, 2008

College, fate and graduation

I still remember the day I packed up life as I knew it and headed off to my freshman year at the University of Massachusetts, Amherst. I was scared, petrified really. Lainey and I agreed that we would not live together or hang out for the first few weeks so we could make our own friends. Well, that lasted about three days. I remember walking across campus and finally seeing Lainey like it had been years, a familiar face was the exact remedy I needed. 

I had a hard time transitioning into college and still believe that I really should have taken a year off after high school, I just wasn't ready. Coming from a town like mine where my graduating class had 78 students, I knew everyone, everyone knew me and everyone knew each other's life stories. After moving into the Umass dorms, I realized that not only did I not know anyone, they didn't care to know my life stories. My freshman experience was less than fabulous. I consistently dealt with girls that Lainey, Stac and I dubbed "biddies." You know the type, think NY or Jersey girl stereotype, who is just a little too tan, a little too blonde, a little too dumb and wears little clothing. The girls who wear mini-skirts and pumps to class in the middle of the winter and is dressed to the nine's to walk across campus (a 30 minute walk) when it is below 10 degrees, plus wind. Before Umass, I didn't know these girls really existed except in movies, they just rubbed me the wrong way, especially since they all seemed to live in my dorm. 

After time, I realized that in-state and some out-of-state students all were hanging out with their friends from high school. Some of the high school groups became friends with other high school groups, but very few did not acknowledge their hometown friends. What a relief for me. Lainey, Stac and I were pretty much inseparable. Freshman year came and went and while coming into my sophomore year, I realized that Umass was not for me. I could not picture myself continuing another 3 years and being content as a graduate from Umass Amherst. Granted, the Umass School of Business is ranked one of the top in the nation alongside programs at Harvard and Yale. But that just wasn't enough for me. I wanted to get out and see a different part of the world. If I didn't leave Umass, I would never leave Massachusetts. After doing my research and finding a school with a decent journalism program (because that was what I intended to change my major to) I decided upon the University of South Carolina. 

On January 1, 2005 my parents and I were heading down 95 with a carful of my college stuff, clothes, decorations, bedding, everything you could imagine. I had left my life, my friends and my family and was headed to Columbia, SC, where I did not know a soul. I had chatted with my roommate over instant messenger briefly and she seemed nice enough. I was nervous, but not in a bad way as I was when I left for Umass, it was an excited nervous. 

After settling into life down south, my roommate, Megs, and I became fast friends. We were soon inseparable. We did everything together. She became more of a sister than family. One of those rare friends that you only find a few of in your lifetime. After school ended, she was moving down to Charleston, SC with a bunch of our guy friends from the Citadel. I headed down to help her move in. The night we arrived, we were lounging around with the guys, having a few drinks. I was laying on the futon and suddenly, this guy I had never met before strolled in. I glanced up and immediately noticed how good-looking he was, blond hair, blue eyes, tan skin, perfection. After introducing ourselves, I pulled Megs into the kitchen.
"Who is that?" I asked.
"Oh, Scotty?" she smiled. "Ash, he has a serious girlfriend, plus he's a huge flirt."
Disappointed, we returned to the bedroom where everyone was hanging out. Scotty and I stayed in touch over the summer and remained friends for a long time. Eventually, Scotty became Hubby and the rest is history. 

As my parents and I made our way down to SC for graduation this past weekend. I could help but think how fast the last five years have gone by. It seems like yesterday that I was driving to Umass. I can't help but think of how blessed I am that I chose to transfer to Carolina. If anything had happened differently, Hubby probably wouldn't be Hubby. If I hadn't been randomly assigned to have Megs as a roommate or if we didn't hit it off so well. If Hubby hadn't decided last minute to apply to the Citadel or if he had decided to transfer to Dayton his sophomore year. It's all fate. 

However, lucky for us, we chose to do what we did and it has obviously worked out. I am just so happy that my college years have come and gone and now I can move on with my life. All I have to do is wait for Hubby to come home. 

Friday, August 1, 2008

As the seasons change

July is finally over and the glorious Massachusetts summer season is winding down. After having spent my last three summers in South Carolina and one in Hawaii, I had forgotten how short the warm season here is. In SC, July is just when it's starting to get hot, August is the most torturously sweltering summer month. Heat indexes topped 120 last summer while I was taking summer classes in Columbia; you really can't even go outside. But at least though, it stays warm well into November. Since July in MA is the warmest month, we have nowhere to go but down. This makes me sad, I posted a while back about how I live for the summer, and I really do. Winter is just so depressing and miserable. 

Driving down the street, mid-winter, everything is white, grey or black and dead. The only color Mother Nature provides is the occasional blue sky when the sun decides to show its face. It is especially brilliant the morning after a snowstorm. It is the most spectacular sight, the sky, vibrant blue and the sun so strong, bouncing off the white snow into your eyes. This is one of the few times the sun appears in the winter. I have begun to believe that even the sun doesn't like New England winter and that's why he doesn't come out very often, just enough to see if the snow has melted. The worst part of winter is the cold, it's worse when it's cold and there is no snow - it results in the bitterest of all bitters you have experienced. The kind where you step out of your warm house into the frigid air, pull your scarf tighter around your neck and blow air our your nose because winter had made its way inside and froze your nostril hairs. This misery is looming on the horizon.

Luckily, fall in New England is amazing. The morning air, filled with sun, has a bit of a chill, but by mid-morning has gave way to beautiful low 70s air. Somedays in SC reminded me of fall in MA and it always made me a bit nostalgic. Fall has a distinct smell and feeling. Smell of warmth and sun and burning leaves, occasionally a woodstove. Every time the weather is right and the same smell is there, it takes me back to my old field hockey glory days, the epitome of fall. Maybe that is why I love the season so much. 

This fall will be a bit different, the past winter, spring and summer, have all been without my new husband. Just as summer officially gives way to fall, Hubby will be coming home to me for 18 days, about 1/3 of the fall season. Hubby has never experienced the fall in New England, the beauty of the red, orange, yellow leaves, the smell, the temperature. 

I was never one to wish summer away, but this summer is a bit different. I still try not to see ugly winter rearing its head on the horizon, but I am focused on fall. How glorious it will be. To spend one of Massachusetts' most wonderful seasons with my Hubby. It can't come soon enough. 

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Prayers Please

Hubby and his troop have been fairly lucky with injuries and casualties during their deployment thus far. However, a month or so ago, one of their fellow soldiers was involved in a fluke accident while refueling their generator. He suffered severe burns to a large majority of his body. He has been at Brooke Army Medical Center since June and luckily, has been doing much better as the days progress. However, many prayers are needed to be directed his way, please keep him and his family in your thoughts and prayers. Please visit his mother's blog on his condition: http://www.caringbridge.com/visit/matthewwheeler click on the journal on the top to see what she's had to say and also be sure to sign the guestbook as well. Thanks. 

Sunday, July 27, 2008

Half way there...

It's hard to believe that we've already made it through half of this deployment. Seven and a half months have come and gone and I still can't get over the fact that I have not seen Hubby since December. Sometimes I feel that the hardest part is over, but sometimes, I feel that the hardest part is yet to come. The past seven months flew by, but July has been crawling. I'm not sure if it's because R&R is on the horizon. Being just under two months away, it seems that those two months should just fly by, right? Well logically, since the past seven have gone so quickly, you would think that the next two would do the same. Well, all logic is thrown out when it comes to counting down. It seems that the closer I get, the slower time passes. Somehow, I feel like September is never going to get here. Everyday, I think of driving to the airport to pick up Hubby and running into his comforting arms once again. But, every time I think of it, I can't really picture it happening. It just seems like some far away dream that is just that, a dream, and will never become reality. 

The hardest thing that I have come across throughout this experience, is that slowly, as the months have passed, when I close my eyes, I cannot picture Hubby's face. I can't see us doing things together, I can't see the way he looks at me, or his smile or his mannerisms. I can see him from pictures I have in frames in my room, but I just can't seem to remember what it looks like when he comes home from work and sees me waiting for him by the door. That hurts. 

When I do daydream about Hubby's R&R homecoming, I picture my giddy self arriving at the airport several hours before his flight is scheduled to arrive, heading to the USO so I can make my way to the gate through which he will come, and I picture myself having serious butterflies in my stomach, and probably calling Biscuit for some reassurance. I can see all the people filing off the plane and finally seeing Hubby in his uniform and running toward him, wrapping my arms around his neck. The only thing I can't see from that day is his face. 

Thursday, July 24, 2008

8 days

Work came. Work went. After 8 days of working with LM, I was getting really excited about the possibility of a future with the company. The benefits and the career options are pretty much endless. Then came the phone call. 

I had the day off today because of an eye doctor appointment. I met my dad for lunch and was making my way back to my room to get started on my PR project when my phone rang. I answered, and it was my boss. To make a long story short and to cut the dialogue that I don't really feel like typing, it goes like this.... I took a temp job with LM as a recruiting assistant and I knew very well that this was a temp job. To cut to the chase, my boss didn't have enough work for me to do and since I was a temp worker, I couldn't get access to the LM network where I would be doing most of the work she hired me for, therefore, no work for me to do. Simple math really. No access + no work = no job. Awesome. She made sure to explain that she appreciated the work I had completed in the 8 days I was there, and that I could use her as a reference in the future. It's just a little disheartening. 

And so the job search ensues. 

Saturday, July 19, 2008

My new life plan

Upon successful completion of my first week in a "real" job, I am content with where I stand. In just four days I have already learned so much. Not only is this job a great experience, I am learning a lot about what I want to do with my life, and what I don't. 

My boss a recruiter. Not only do I hear her interviewing at least five candidates a day, but I also hear about what makes them bad and what turns them into an employee. I know that once I leave this job, I will know first-hand what recruiters are looking for, what to say in an interview and how to give an original answer; not the standard, "I think I'd be good at this job because I love meeting new people and I am really outgoing, a definite leader." My boss said that what bothers her more than asking the same questions over and over is hearing the same answers. 

However, most importantly, what I have learned over the last four days is that once Hubby and I finally settle somewhere, I will never work another job where I am stuck in a cubicle for 40 hours each week, staring at a computer screen. The mere thought of typing this blog is the reason why it has been so long since I last updated. I want to do something where I am my own boss, I don't have to answer to someone else, where I can make my own hours and be in charge of my own income, and most importantly, something that I enjoy doing.

With all that being said, I think I have decided that once Hubby and I move back to Charleston, SC, I will start my own wedding planning business. Being the number two wedding location in the country, behind only Vegas, Charleston is the ideal location for me to start this venture. I would want to go back to school to get my MBA, so I have more business background than my minor provided. My sister told me about organizations that help small businesses get started, helping them write their business and marketing plans, doing their taxes and all that other business that entrepreneurs need help with. Anyway, this is my new life plan, any thoughts or suggestions would be greatly appreciated. 

On a side note, Hubby comes home for R&R in 2 months!!!!!!!!!!!!

Wednesday, July 9, 2008

Hellaciousness' Evil Twin

I found it hard to lie to my future employers' faces and tell them that, "yes I plan on being with this company for many years," when I knew very well that I would be packing up and leaving in February. After numerous interviews with great companies and walking away from amazing opportunities, I have finally found a job where all my cards are laid out on the table. No secrets. 

After four interviews with LM for a sales position, the truth came out. "Well, the truth is sir, my husband and I will be moving to Hawaii in March." I left out the part that I knew this all along. "Unfortunately, we will not be able to continue this process anymore," he explained. "But I think you are a great candidate, so I'll let Sally (my recruiter) know that you may be interested in temp positions." I didn't think anything of it and never expected anything to come of it. I continued my doomed path of interviewing. I came clean to NMFN as well along with Enterprise. 

Ironically, during an interview with Enterprise, Sally called and left me a voicemail. As I pulled my stilettos off my feet and made my way to the car, I listened to the message. "Hi, this is Sally from LM. I was calling because I have a temporary position available and I think you might be interested. Just give me a call back if you are. Thanks, bye." Someone is looking out for me that's for sure. It sounded perfect, ideal for my situation. 

I called her back on Monday and she explained that she liked me a lot and was disappointed when the sales job didn't work out. However, she needed someone to help her out and thought I would be perfect for the job. Not only will I get the two days off to head to SC for my graduation in August, but I will get the 18 days in September when Hubby comes home. Could I ask for a more perfect situation? On top of that, she knows my situation so there are no secrets and there will be no surprise two week notices. 

So, finally, I have a job at LM! I start Monday and I could not be happier!!

La la happy land...

It has been seven months since Hubby left, and being just about half way through, I can't help but notice something within myself: resentment. 

They're everywhere. At the gym. On the T. At bars. The beach, gas station, restaurants, walking, biking, laughing, smiling, holding hands. Barf. 

The couple. They haunt me. Everywhere I go I can't help but notice happy couples together in their own la la happy land where nothing else matters but each other, where they can live in eternal bliss. I wish they would all vanish. I don't want to see them, hear them, even think about them. I may sound like an angry divorcee who has sworn off men and relationships, but I am just the opposite. I am missing my husband. He has been gone for way too long. 

Whenever I see a couple out in public, I can't help but resent them. I can't help but look at them and shake my head because they have no idea how easy they have it. I always feel that they haven't truly learned what love is if they haven't been through a deployment. What really gets under my skin is when a girl will complain that her boyfriend went out of town for a few days and she "totally knows how I feel." Haha. Riiight. All I can do is laugh. Ignorance is bliss, I suppose. 

However, when I meet a military couple who has been through a deployment, there is an instant bond, an understanding. There's the obvious bond between Blaze, Biscuit and I. We have all been through it and they know exactly how I feel. There is the reassurance from Biscuit that the feelings I have are normal and she had them too and the things that Hubby is going through, Blaze went through as well. More importantly, there is respect. There is a respect that I have for Blaze and Biscuit because they, too, have endured more than most couples could even fathom. There is a mutual understanding. 

I cannot wait for the day when Hubby and I carry on our newly wed routines and join those couples that I resent. The thought of being back in Hawaii seems so distant that I can't even imagine what it will be like. Even though R and R is only two months away, I still can't picture Hubby and I doing things together. In 67 days, Hubby and I will temporarily be back in la la happy land. It can't come soon enough. 

Tuesday, July 1, 2008

The Anniversary

It's hard to believe that 365 days ago, Hubby and I were drinking champagne, eating cake and dancing with 104 of our closest friends and family. It's hard to believe that it's already been a year and in looking back over the past 12 months, I can't believe I've made it. 

Exactly two weeks after Hubby and I said, 'I do,' he left to head back to Hawaii to get ready for three months of training in the California desert, a pseudo-Iraq of sorts. I spent the better part of those three months moping around my apartment and around Columbia, SC taking the woe-is-me standpoint on my life. It was miserable. Finally, mid-October rolled around and I found myself back in Hawaii with Hubby until December 10 when he deployed. If you do the math correctly, in the year Hubby and I have been married, we have been together for two and a half months. 

Many people turn up their noses at me, asking why I would marry him before he left and I am sure that the majority of people at our wedding questioned how it would possibly work out between Hubby and I. We didn't date long before our engagement and he would be gone for our first year and a half of marriage. Well, we proved them all wrong. 

Hubby left in December and to be honest I think the anticipation of the deployment was almost worst than what I have had to endure thus far. Not knowing is the hardest part. When he left I did not want to be moping around Boston, so I got my act together and sucked it up, as much as possible. Somehow, it has already been seven months since he left and somehow we're almost half way through the deployment. Somehow, Hubby and I have made it to our first wedding anniversary without each other. But, when I look back on the past year, I do not look back with sorrow, but I look back and am glad. Even though our first year of marriage has been spent apart, we had the most amazing time together in Hawaii and that is just a taste of what the future holds for Hubby and I. 

If I had to do it all over again, I would never want it any other way. I could not have found a husband more perfect for me than Hubby. He is truly my best friend. I would wait a lifetime for him. 

Happy anniversary hubby. 

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

Some people

After six and a half months of deployment, there are still people at the gym that ask about Hubby. It always surprises me that most know when he's coming home for R and R and some come up to me with the approximate countdown. "Getting close," they'll say. "Just under three months before you get to see your sweetie." It's nice to know that some people, even though they only know the gym side of me, care enough to acknowledge the issue at hand. 

However, there is one man who introduced himself to me back in December. For the life of me, I cannot remember his name, but for convenience sake we'll call him Bob. He's probably in his mid-60s, not a gym regular, but regular enough. Whenever he comes in, he asks how Hubby is and how much longer until I see him. He usually adds in his political outlook on the war, the president and snide comments on my marriage. He does not fall into the category of people I described in an earlier post. Those are the people who don't know they upset me, I am pretty sure Bob would have to be a complete idiot not to realize what he says is hurtful and disrespectful. 

Today. I got to the gym a little earlier than normal, 8:45am. I head to the treadmills and start stretching. I notice Bob stroll in and make his way over to me on the treadmills, "great," I think to myself. Of course even with 5 others available, he takes the one right next to me. I can't stand it when people try to have a conversation with me while I'm running, especially when they're walking or not doing anything at all. They just want a quick convo before they leave or before they start working out or in between their sets. What annoys me even more is that 99% of the time I am listening to my iPod. I usually try to brush them off with a one word response or a quick smile, but it usually doesn't work. I take out my headphones, and usually try to keep running, if they don't accept my one word answers, I reluctantly slow the treadmill to a walk and listen to what they have to say, again reluctantly. 

Back to Bob. He starts the treadmill at a comfortable 3.0, an easy walk.
 "So, when does your husband come home?" 
"Mid-September," I reply, thinking, 'don't we have this same conversation every time I see you?' 
"Gee, that's still so far away."
"Not really."
"So what does he say about the war?"
"Um, not too much. They're helping the people," I say, trying not to roll my eyes or be too rude. 
"Well, you know I think it's a good thing we're over there. I could never vote for no Obama. If I had a son that was killed over there and Obama took everyone out, I'd feel that my son's death would be for no good reason."
Head nod, fake smile.
"It's a good thing we hanged than damn Heussein. He was the modern day Hitler. And if you saw the look on his face before they put the noose around his neck... he knew he was wrong. He knew he was going to hell."
No response, but thinking 'Do Muslims believe in Heaven and Hell?'
"So how long have you been married?"
"A year" I sigh. 'Great this again,' I think to myself.
"And he's been gone since December? Gee not much of a first year of marriage huh?"
No response, blank stare.
"How long were you together before you got married?"
"About a year," I lie. 
"Hahahaha,"
'Are you serious,' I think to myself, 'is this man really LAUGHING at me?!'
"What are you 21?"
"No, 23."
"Wow, you're really getting up there. Hahaha."
I fight back to urge to kick his foot so he falls off the treadmill.
"Do you regret marrying him before he left for Iraq? Or are you glad you did?"
I try to peel my jaw off the treadmill belt. "I'm glad I did," I said, horrified. 'Who is this man, and who the hell does he think he is asking me these questions and then asking me these questions while I am working out?!!!'
"Really, why?"
I ignore him, put my headphones back on, crank up the music and start a sprint, hoping he would take the hint and leave me alone forever. 

He did take the hint and didn't say anything to me after that. Who says stuff like that anyway? Why would someone I barely know, ask me such personal questions. Is it ignorance? Is it curiosity? Either way it's offensive. Geez, some people. 

Monday, June 23, 2008

Not my words

As summer continues, I have found my life as of recent to be quite bland and un-noteworthy. I have gathered a few of the best quotations to sum up my emotions in missing my hubby. There is, however, just over two months until he comes home for R&R. 

"All days are nights to see till I see thee, 
And nights bright days when dreams do show thee to me."
-William Shakespeare, Sonnet XLIII


"Oft in the tranquil hour of night, 
When stars illume the sky, 
I gaze upon each orb of light, 
And wish that thou wert by."
-George Linley


"I think we dream so we don't have to be apart so long. If we're in each other's dream, we can play together all night."
-Bill Watterson


"How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard." 
-Annie, the musical


"The world is round and the place which may seem like the end may also be the beginning."
-Ivy Baker Priest






Thursday, June 12, 2008

Sweet, bittersweet summertime

Anyone who knows anything about me knows that I live for the summertime. The sun invigorates my soul and lifts my spirits. It is hard for me to be in a bad mood when the sun is out and the temperature is over 75 degrees. 

Coming back home to Boston in the dead of winter after Hubby left was not my ideal situation... especially after having lived in South Carolina for three years and spending the past fall and early winter in Hawaii. I stepped off the plane in a track suit, no jacket, but was greeted by my parents with a warm, welcoming down North Face jacket. Even that didn't make me feel warm when we first stepped out into the bitter Boston night time air. 20 degrees, generously. Everyone down in South Carolina would always say when it got cold out, "you're from the north, you should be used to this!" Well, no. Sorry, I've never liked the cold weather, never could acclimate to it. Nope, that's half the reason I moved south in the first place. It's all relative. In Hawaii, I would put on pants and a long-sleeved shirt if it got below 75. Enough said. 

Anyway, days turned into weeks, weeks turned into months and somehow I've found myself in the middle of June. How six months of this deployment has passed I have no idea. I have also found myself some nice weather. It finally surpassed 90 degrees for the past four days, an official heat wave per Massachusetts standards. 

On Sunday, in the prime of the heat wave, Lainey had come back to our small country town for a family graduation party. Blaze, Biscuit and I found ourselves at Lainey's lakeside house relaxing in the shade, eating potato salad and sandwiches, jumping off the dock and swimming out to the raft, sunning ourselves. True summertime. Bliss. There is nothing greater than Massachusetts in the summer. 

Normally, if I were in South Carolina 90 would be on the cool side for the month of June, but in Massachusetts where no one has central AC, I was glad for the heat to pass. As I type right now, outside, a solid 78 degrees (thank you Mac) I feel the warmth of the sun on my face, a slight cool breeze, not a cloud in the big blue, I can't help but think this is perfection. Well, any sort of perfection that can be had away from the beach. 

However, there just seems to be something missing. Summertime is here and I could not be happier. What is it? Hubby. I wish that I could have swam in the lake with him, brought him to Lainey's. I wish that we could go relax on the beach like we did in Hawaii every weekend or go snorkeling. I wish I could take him to a Sox game or watch the Celtics playoff games together. 

I was looking forward to summer since the minute I stepped foot into the bitter December air the day after Hubby left. Now it's here and all I can do is look forward to the fall, well September really, when he'll finally be home for R&R. 

I know I will enjoy my summer, I always do. I'll still go into Boston to go shopping with my girlfriends, head to the beach, go to Maine with my parents, I'll have a sunkissed glow, and I'll swim in the ocean just so I can feel the salt on my face and in my hair, I'l probably go boating and get ice cream with my friends, but underneath it all, I'll just be going through the motions until Hubby comes home. 

Wednesday, June 4, 2008

Hellaciousness

Now, the deployment is not all rampant emotions, there are some serious decisions that have to be made during this period. 

I graduated high school in 2003 and attended the University of Massachusetts at Amherst as a Business student for the first year and a half. In January 2005, I packed up my life and moved to South Carolina to study Public Relations. Well, at the time it was Advertising then Economics then Public Relations. Needless to say, with the transfer and major switching, I was going to be behind on graduating. But, who finishes school in 4 years now anyway? Right? Well, three years into school I was getting pretty anxious to finish. I took summer classes all summer for two summers, picked up 6 or 7 classes each semester and somehow when it came time for me to move to Hawaii, I was still nowhere near finishing. After ditching a corrupt advisor whose scheme it was to keep me in school for as long as possible, I finally saw the light at the end of the tunnel.

My new advisor has helped me more than any one advisor really should. He bent over backwards to get a committee approve my request to finish my last seven courses away from South Carolina. Somehow it has worked out that I could take three classes as distance classes through South Carolina and four were to be taken at different universities to transfer into Carolina. Confusing, I know. 

I am eternally grateful to my advisor and school dean for helping me out with this venture, thanks to them I do not have to be in Columbia, SC (worst place on Earth) while Hubby is gone. I get to be with my family and my friends during this hard time. 

So what's the problem? Timing. Graduation is in August. Hubby comes home for R&R in mid-September for 18 days. By the time I graduate and can work for a real company, Hubby will be home for R&R, which I will not miss a single minute. If I start working when he leaves it gives me barely four and a half months. I am stuck in a huge dilemma. What kind of job do I get? I've been looking for internships and real jobs with no such luck. Do I get a whatever kind of job just to bring in a paycheck? If I choose the latter, my resume will be blank from 2006 - 2009. Not admirable to employers, especially for new college grads. 

For the last few weeks, since I've finished my nightmarish spring semester, have been full of this hellacious stress. WHAT DO I DO?! Ahh, I want to scream. Well no, actually I want someone to knock on my door and offer me a fabulous job preferable in PR or Recruiting, Sales maybe and wants to pay me $60,000 a year. 

Since we all know that's not going to happen, I'll be continuing my job hunt. I'm not sure I can take this hellaciousness for much longer, so let's hope someone bites!

Wednesday, May 28, 2008

You don't need to be strong all the time

This past Memorial Day weekend was a great one. One filled with family, friends and yep, a wedding. The first I've attended since Hubby and I tied the knot almost a year ago (!!!). The previously mentioned Blaze and Biscuit married on Sunday the 25th of May and it was a fabulous day. I wasn't sure how I would handle the day, weddings = happiness = Hubby = Hubby not here. Being a full Catholic mass, about 30 minutes in, the priest got to the part where we pray for specific people in need. Being Memorial Day weekend and the fact that Blaze is a Marine, we prayed for the servicemen and women, those who have paid the ultimate sacrifice in the name of our freedom and for the safety of those currently in Afghanistan and Iraq. Well, in a moment of weakness, the tears started flowing. Hubby was not standing beside me to watch two of my greatest friends get married, he would not be there to dance with me at the reception or to share the happiness of the day. We were praying for him, for his safety and it all hit me at once. Very rarely have I cried since the day Hubby left, especially not in front of people. My mom grabbed my hand as the salty tears streamed down my face. My head hung as I attempted to regain composure, I felt a cool hand against my warm back, my best friend, Lainey, wanting me to know that she is always there for me. 

A stark moment of weakness. For about five minutes, all I could think about was that. Weakness. I'm supposed to be strong and the moment I fall, had to be in front of 200 people on the happiest day of Biscuit and Blaze's lives? I was disappointed in myself. I had let myself down. Three days later and this is still bothering me. Why? Simple really. I have been strong for so long, and not even half of the way through, weakness is trying to rear it's ugly head. It's been easy to push it back in, but with all of that emotion, I couldn't. 

We arrived at the reception and shortly thereafter, my phone rings. Hubby. Excited, I excuse myself from a conversation with a friend and her boyfriend. We chatted for a while and he asks how the wedding was and the reception and if I was having a fun time. "Yeah of course," I told him. "It'd be better if you were there though." He laughs and says, "I know honey, everything's more fun when we're together." I confessed to the incident in the church and tell him how I had really let myself down. "I just felt so weak. I should be strong and instead there was weakness." Hubby paused, offered sympathy, apologized for not being there and said, "you know, you don't need to be strong all the time." I smiled. He was right, completely right. Although I wish my moment of weakness wasn't in the church of 200 people, I realized that it's ok to cry. It's ok to be weak every once in a while. 

I don't need to be strong all the time. 

Monday, May 19, 2008

Unusual suspects

I recently received an email from Hubby's troop FRG (family readiness group) about a hate group that was coming to protest at our home base in Hawaii. Being ignorant of the evils in the world, I figured it was on the same level of the free-loving-tree-hugging hippies that protested the Marines up in San Francisco earlier this year. As I continued reading the email, my eyes were opened to a world I had previously been quite unfamiliar with, a group of hate, deception, brainwashing, more of an evil cult than anything else. What surprised me the most was the name these demonic people worship under, Westboro Baptist Church. What saddens me is that they use the name of Christianity to preach hatred and intolerance. 

A little background on WBC as explained in an Army brief...

"Westboro Baptist Church of Topeka, Kansas is an independent congregation of 80 members, mostly blood or marriage relatives of 76-year-old Fred Phelps, who founded WBC in 1955. The group routinely travels the country preaching "the Bible's hatred," advocating the death pentalty for homosexuals and picketing the funerals of people who die from AIDS. Recently the group has concentrated on the funerals of soldiers felled in Iraq, "thanking God" for the deaths it attributes to America's "fag-enabling" ways. These pickets have led to state and federal legislation aimed at restraining the 76-year-old Fred Phelps Sr., who has 14 children, most of whom remain loyal to their father."

The article continues explaining that, "[Fred Phelps] is a disbarred lawyer and founder of the Phelps Chartered law firm. WBC is listed as a hate group by the South Poverty Law Center and Anti Defamation League. He is known for preaching with slogans and banners denoting phrases such as "Thank God for 9/11," "America is doomed," "God hates fags," "AIDS cures fags."  

More recently, the WBC has been concentrating on soldiers, picketing their funerals and protesting at military bases. They hold heartless, demeaning signs saying, "Thank God for IEDs" "Pray for more dead soldiers," "They are not heroes," "God hates America" so on and so forth. The majority of the members are lawyers and therefore, they videotape each protest and use these signs to get the opposing crowed all riled up, if physical contact occurs, WBC sues. This is how they make their money. These are truly sick people. They have their children, infants, toddlers, youth and adolescents in t-shirts that have this hateful paraphernalia on it. The sad part is that these kids have no say, they don't know it's wrong to think this. They don't know that God loves everyone or that the soldiers they protest against, gave them the right to preach such horrid messages. 

Their messages have not stopped at homosexuals and military personnel, they also carry signs reading, "Pray for more dead kids," "Thank God for Katrina." They attended the funerals of the victims of the Virginia Tech shootings, thanking God for dead children. Where do these sick people come from? I pity them because they have obviously been brainwashed for so long, they do not understand the difference between right and wrong. 

One of their more public demonstrations was a picket at the funeral of LCpl. Matthew Snyder, screaming to his mourning family that their son was "in hell" and that he "deserved to die" and held their signs reading, "thank God for dead soldiers." Fortunately, the Synder family sued WBC for damages and were granted $12 million. 

We as a country, should not tolerate this behavior. Whether we are liberal or conservative, something needs to be done. Their voices need to be silenced. How do we begin to complete such a task? Unfortunately, their protesting is protected by the first amendment. However, there are angels among us. A group of biker men also showed up at LCpl. Snyder's funeral after hearing the the WBC would be there as well. They lined their bikes up in front of WBC stood there shoulder to shoulder with American flags in their hands so the family could not see the offensive signs. Over time this group has taken official form and is called Patriot Guard Riders, their motto, "Standing for those who stood for US." 

The Patriot Guard Riders website explains who they are. "The Patriot Guard Riders is a diverse amalgamation of riders from across the nation. We have one thing in common besides motorcycles. We have an unwavering respect for those who risk their very lives for America's freedom and security. If you share this respect, please join us. We don't care what you ride, what your political views are, or whether you're a 'hawk' or a 'dove.' It is not a requirement that you be a veteran. It doesn't matter where you're from or what your income is. You don't even have to ride. The only prerequisite: Respect. Our main mission is to attend the funeral service of fallen American heroes as invited guests of the family. Each mission we undertake has two basic objectives: 1. Show our sincere respect for our fallen heroes, their families and their communities. *2. Shield the mourning family and friends from interruptions created by any protestor or group of protestors.   *We accomplish the latter through strictly legal and non violent means."Please pay their website (at the bottom of the post) a visit to see just how much they have done to give back and to protect those fallen heroes.  

In this situation the usual suspects have switched roles, the members of this church are comparable to the devil. The bikers whose stereotype is usually comparable to an outlaw are the angels in this situation of hatred. How long will America tolerate hate groups like this? WBC does not discriminate, they hate everyone except for themselves, they hate America, homosexuals, soldiers, children, everyone. It is 2008, tolerance should be routine. 


http://www.patriotguard.org/Home/tabid/53/Default.aspx

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

The countdown

Ever since Hubby and I started dating, our lives have been nothing but a countdown; counting to the day we see each other again. 

When we first started dating, he was at Ft. Knox in Kentucky and I was at school in South Carolina, we'd chat on the phone and send emails, but were counting until sometime in October when we could see each other. Finally, the weekend came and seemed to last about 10 minutes, but it wasn't too bad because we knew I'd be heading out to San Diego to visit him while he was at his parent's place. That came, and again, the weekend seemed to last about 10 minutes. When he dropped me off at the airport so I could head back to South Carolina, it was a little harder, we were going to see each other in Hawaii after Christmas. And thus began the next countdown. 

Mid-October to late December seemed to drag on and on. Every morning when I woke, I'd tear off another post-it revealing a number one less than the day before. Hubby did surprise me by coming to Massachusetts on December 24th to spend Christmas with my family and I, which was very exciting for me, not only because I got to see Hubby (then boyfriend) but it knocked a solid seven days off the countdown. He left, and a couple days later I was on a plane around the world to visit Hubby. 

We spent about ten days together in Hawaii before Hubby dropped me off at the airport. This time was notably harder than times past and I learned that each successive goodbye is always harder than the last. This goodbye would have to last three months before I could come back to Hawaii over spring break. After spring break it was another three months before I would be back to Hawaii to spend the summer before the wedding with Hubby. Countdowns galore. But what were we counting to? A few days, weeks, months together before we'd have to part ways to our own lives until we would see each other again for a visit?

A solid two weeks after the wedding, we drove to Charlotte, NC where Hubby would be taking the 6am flight back to Hawaii for more training, I would stay in South Carolina to complete more coursework. This was the hardest goodbye to date. I cried at the airport, I cried the whole hour and a half back to Columbia, I cried the rest of the day, and the worst part of it all was the fact that my roommate had gone away for the weekend. I had no one there. I was lonely and sad and three months away from seeing my new husband. 

I tried not to start my countdown until at least a few weeks in, but, it just didn't work out that way. I made it as soon as I composed myself the night I dropped Hubby off. 95 days. Every morning I'd rip off a post-it and throw it away, my trash filled only with pink post-it notes was symbolic of the time passing. This time was harder than the rest. I'm not sure if it was because we were newly married or if because all of my friends who had previously been around the Columbia area had graduated and moved out of the world's worst city. I stayed busy with work and exercise and classes, but it still didn't help. I'd wake up, rip off a pink post-it, toss it in the trash, flip on the news in hope that President Bush decided to end the war so Hubby wouldn't have to go, and disappointed, I'd pull on my workout clothes and head to the gym for at least two hours. I can say that boredom has kept me in quite great shape. I'd come home, go to work, come home, do schoolwork, go to bed, and do it all in the morning. Rip off a pink post-it, flip on the news.... 

Time was at a standstill. Every morning that I woke up, I realized everything I was doing seemed to be without heart or passion, I was just going through the motions. Everyday that passed was not another day of my life but just another day closer to Hubby. Each time I pulled a number off the countdown, I'd remind myself, "one day down, one day closer." Time, I thought, would never pass. Why is it that when you want time to fly by, it drags and when you want it to slow down, it flies? An interesting paradox. 

Well, finally, it was the day I was heading back to Hawaii to spend two months with Hubby before he left for Iraq. What relief I felt when I finally saw Hubby and we were able to go on date nights and swim at the beach together, even grocery shopping was fun if it were together. Oh, how I wanted time to be put on pause. Faster than you read the last sentence, it was December 10 and Hubby was leaving for Iraq. Another countdown, only this time it couldn't be counted in days. Well, it could but 454 days is a pretty overwhelming countdown. 

I tried to hold off as long as possible on the countdown but with little success. I couldn't help myself, about two weeks into the deployment I created a bi-monthly countdown. I rip a purple post-it off every two weeks. It's now on 10 months, May 22 will indicate 9.5 months and so on. I look forward to each time I get to rip off another post-it, but what I really am looking forward to is the time when I don't need to keep a countdown. 

When Hubby comes home, I will never again countdown days, weeks or months. Why would I? I will have nothing better to face than the present. 


Monday, May 5, 2008

Just to see you smile

As Hubby's deployment drew nearer, the more anxious I became. Feelings of uncertainty, angst and dread overcame my person. "How am I going to do this?" I'd think to myself. 15 months is a long time, there's no debating that; the question was: what do I do with myself? Deployment homefront veterans tell you what to do, what not to do, but until you've walked the walk, you never know what's going to work best. 

All my life I have struggled with boredom. It may sound like a petty battle but if my day is not filled completely, I go insane. There has not been a day since Hubby left where my day wasn't packed from 8am through 6pm. Taking six courses (20 credit hours) and five days of two hour workouts each week have kept me occupied for about ten hours each day. Weekends filled with family, friends and fun. However, as the semester has wound down, with two courses completed, I am having a hard time figuring out what to do with myself. I will be starting two new courses over the summer, but what do I do in the meantime?

I have always heard that deployments are a time of personal growth, a time of self-discovery and to be honest, I thought it was a load of BS (excuse the language) before this began. Only five months in, I have already discovered how I cope, not just with the deployment, but with bad situations in general. When I fill my days beyond capacity, I don't have time to think about Hubby. I don't have time to wonder why he hasn't called, to think about the danger he is in, or the 10 months ahead of us. I don't have time to wrap my head around the possibility of him not coming home. But, with all this free time, I do. 

Five months in and I've already come to this realization, in addition, I have realized just how important family and friends are. In times like this, it becomes apparent that your family will always be there for you and you discover who your true friends are (lucky for me, I have a lot of amazing friends). 

After this is all over, and we have endured 15 months of separation, I know that Hubby and I will never take one day together for granted, we will live in the moment and enjoy each other's company. Never again will I keep another countdown (my hatred for which will be articulated in its own post) nor will I ever cross each day off the calendar. 

The only thing that keeps me positive is quite intangible: promise of the future. I daydream, quite often, of Hubby getting off the plane for R and R (mid-tour leave) and running, once again, into the safety and security of his arms. I imagine touching his face and feeling his hand around mine, sensations I can barely remember, memories I try to hold onto. I try to remember all of his little quirks, but they are five months lost. When I close my eyes, I can't picture his handsome face. When I came to this troubling realization, I was quite saddened. I can't picture his mannerisms, the way he walks or laughs. What hurts the most though, is that I can't remember how he looks at me. 

The day that Hubby comes home for R and R cannot come soon enough, but the thought of it is what keeps me going. Until that day comes, all I can do is wait and hope that I have a task to do each day in order to pass the time, but more importantly, to keep my mind from wandering. 

Monday, April 28, 2008

Army Strong.

The US Army's slogan, 'Army Strong.' Is quite catchy, masculine, rugged, rough. Everything a man should be, Army Strong. Well, little did I know that not only are the soldiers expected to be Army strong, so are their wives. 

I heard someone say a while ago that if the Army wanted their men to have wives, they would have been issued. Army life is not for everyone, that is quite apparent. The women are expected to hold their head up high as they watch their husbands leave for months on end and uphold a certain amount of control. We can't fall apart. We are Army Strong. 

There's a certain amount of strength that comes with the position, strength that comes seemingly from nowhere. Strength to go on with our lives, strength to get through another day, strength to ignore the media and tune out the goings on in Iraq.

People will say, "I don't know how you do that," or "I'm not strong enough to handle a deployment." In response I say that it's not something to want to do or choose to do, it's something you have to do. I would wait a lifetime for Hubby. If you feel that way, the strength comes as soon as they leave. 

Behind closed doors, locked away in the minds of the Army wives, there is a certain vulnerability, defensiveness. Panic when the house phone rings at an odd time, fear when someone knocks at the door, disgust for those who talk down to you, dread when explaining the situation to yet another person, eagerness for homecoming, pride at the mention of soldiers or the red, white and blue. 

Behind the strength of each Army wife, sadness is always in her eyes. A void in her heart. She may emit strength and pride, but behind the facade, there will always be a darker side, a pit in her stomach, worry and anxiety until he comes home. She makes it through each day with her Army strength, newly found on the day her husband left her behind. 

In the end, the wives left at home are also heroes, heroes in a different sense than their husbands. They are the warriors of the homefront. 


Sunday, April 20, 2008

I love to hate you.

My cell phone and I have always had a strong, healthy relationship. I admired it, I took it places with me, I was excited when it rang but never disappointed when it didn't. Our relationship was never obsessive or stalker-esque, not until recently. 

Since Hubby left, my phone and my relationship has become quite analogous with that of an unhealthy human relationship where the girl cares too much and the guy is less than apathetic. The kind where the girl sits by the phone for him to call and when he doesn't, is crushed. The kind where the guy says 'jump' and the girl say 'how high?' 

A little extreme? Maybe. Unrealistic? No. Let me explain. Since December 10, 2007, my phone has never been turned off and has not been out of hearing range ever. Why? The potential phone call. 

See, I would do anything for my phone, much the same as pseudo girlfriend in my example would do for her boyfriend. I keep my phone with me at all costs, I bring it everywhere, I take it shopping, out to dinner even to bars! Pseudo girlfriend could only wish for this treatment.

So why, cell phone, do you haunt me with solicitors and wrong numbers and people who aren't in my phone book for a reason? Do you know that now that Hubby's in Iraq, I pick up every number I don't recognize because it may be him? And why do you torture me with wrong numbers in the middle of the night? You know I keep the ring at the highest level possible so I can't possibly sleep through it. You know that you lay beside my head, so why do you ring a 3am with a wrong number? All I do is treat you right, I just want some respect. 

Not only does my cell pester me with unwanted phone calls, it somehow conveniently does not ring when Hubby calls. I'm pretty sure it doesn't happen when anyone else wants to chat. The only times I have ever missed a call from Hubby is when my cell phone decided it was too lazy or worthless to ring and just passed the call straight to dependable voicemail. I can't even explain how heartbreaking it is to listen to a voicemail that Hubby left two minutes before I check it, knowing that I had nothing better to do than talk to him. I hold my cell phone in my hand, thinking that the harder I stare at it, the more likely Hubby will call back. I should know better by now, there is no correlation between call frequency and strength of stare. 

I can't say, however, that this is all my cell phone's fault. Sometimes I think that Hubby works together with my cell. I wonder if sometimes Hubby, before he calls, thinks, 'what would be the most inconvenient time for me to call Wifey?' He knows that I will answer no matter what, does he try to make it awkward? He has called during church (two separate occasions), while I was buying my new computer and dealing with the sales rep, while I was substitute teaching 8th grade science (yes, I answered the phone), while out to dinner with family, while explaining to a lady how I wanted Hubby's Citadel diploma matted, while in class, the list continues. Now, I am not complaining about this, he knows that no matter what I am doing, it is not as important as talking to him, so I always answer (unless it goes straight to voicemail, thanks cell phone), maybe this is his way of spicing things up. 

Cell phone, I can't wait for the day when I can get in my car without you and not run back in the house to make sure you haven't rang. I can't wait when I can turn you off for weekends at a time. It will be bliss to workout at the gym without carting you around too. To shower without you standing there in the bathroom with me. I can't wait for independence from you. I can't wait for the day when I don't need you. What sweet revenge that will be. 

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

Flip n Switch

Anyone who knows anything about the Army knows that nothing is written in stone. Ever. You can't believe that something will happen until it actually does. This, obviously, makes planning future events near impossible. 

I experienced my first Army flip n switch last March. I headed out to visit Hubby, who was my then fiance, over my spring break. I ran into his arms at the airport, euphoria. We were finally together again. He lugged my overpacked suitcase to the car and I trotted alongside him to keep up as we headed into the sun, heat and humidity. The warm air felt good on my face. I closed my eyes, turned my face up toward the sun, feeling the Hawaiian rays on my skin. "Does it get any better than this," I thought to myself. We hopped in the car and headed into the constant traffic.
   
"We just have to stop by work for this thing," said Hubby.
"What thing?"
"I don't know, some promotion ceremony, we won't be there long."
I was exhausted from my 10 hour round trip flight and even more exhausted from listening to the woman next to me tell her life story full with the juicy details I really didn't need to hear. 'Whatever,' I thought. 'How bad could it be?' Little did I know that I would experience for the first time, the infamous Army flip n switch. 
We parked the car and strolled into the building. Hubby introduced me to about ten co-workers, who, all dressed in BDUs, looked exactly the same to me. We made our rounds chatting with several groups of guys, finally settling down next to some older, obviously higher-ranking men. 

"Cpt. Bird," said Hubby. "This is my fiancee."

"Nice to meet you," I said, extending my hand.

"You too," he muttered. 

"So, LT.," Cpt Bird said to Hubby. "We've been looking at the NTC schedule and looks like you two lovebirds aren't gonna be having that wedding of your dreams. They moved it on up."

"Sir, that's messed up, I hope you're joking," said Hubby.

I just stared blankly at Cpt. Bird and his fellow Cpt. laughing at the little Lt. and his fiancee, basking in our misery.

"Look for yourself LT," Cpt Bird laughed. 

"Ready to go," I asked, blatantly ignoring the arrogant Cpts. 

I turned to acknowledge Hubby's superior's, nodded my head, "nice to meet you," I managed to spit out.

I grabbed my purse and Hubby's hand, and quicker than you just read that sentence, we were back out in the sun. I was horrified. Our wedding was planned for August 18, we already had the photographer, church, DJ and reception site booked and here we were five months away from the big day with nothing. I had to start from scratch. We were silent for the walk to the car, keeping the verbal and emotional vomit from escaping me. As soon as we were in the car, it all came out. 

"What a jerk!" I exclaimed. "Can you believe how rude he was?! Ughhh, I hate the Army. Do you know that now we're gonna have to change everything? How is this going to work?" What am I supposed to do?"

"Calm down baby," Hubby said, his voice rational and calm. "Everything will work out, it always does."

I shot him a doubtful glare.

"Trust me?"

"Yeah..."

And in less than 20 minutes I had not only experiences my first Army flip n switch, a whole new plate of stress had landed on my lap. 

I never really understood how the Army can be so unpredictable. If the Army were a private organization, it would be long out of business. 

Thank you United States Army, for making me plan my wedding twice.

Monday, April 14, 2008

Getting by with a little help from my friends

I was looking through my late grandparents things last weekend and I stumbled upon several photo albums from my grandfather's 3 year stint in New Caledonia during World War II. He left after he and my grandmother, kissing her goodbye in Massachusetts for three long years. Three years with no phone calls, no visits home for R and R, and definitely no email. Three years of letter writing and photograph sending. 

My grandmother would send pictures of her and her sisters and friends to him, he would write on them and send them back. In the albums were not only pictures, but the letters and cards he sent home every holiday. Three years of Christmas cards, Valentine's Day cards and birthday cards.

As I browsed through the albums, I felt a sense of comfort. She did it. She did it for three years. Things were so different back then, but in most ways, things were exactly the same. While I never was able to speak to my grandparents about their experiences during the deployment, I imagine they were quite similar to mine and Hubby's. 

I imagine that my grandmother made it through with the help of her friends and family. I imagine she had the bad days, the good days, the ups and downs, the what ifs, and the feeling that there is no end in sight. I imagine she had ignorant people criticize her as well and that she sometimes felt that it was too hard to go on. I know, however, that she was strong. She made it through three years of separation, uncertainty and angst. 

Like my grandmother, I know that I can make it through the deployment. After realizing how much longer my grandfather was gone than Hubby will be does make me appreciate our times now, but it does not make it any easier. I, like she, am getting by with a little help from my friends. 

Over the past four months my friends have really helped me. Luckily, one of my best friends, Lainey, from high school still lives nearby and pretty much our whole circle still lives in the Boston area. I haven't really been going out to bars a lot, but when I do, I can count on them to look out after me. 

Two friends in particular come to mind when I think about going out. Johnny Blaze, a Marine, and his fiancee, Biscuit, are the most understanding. Not because they care more, but because they have been through it. Johnny Blaze enlisted in the Marines before we got out of high school and left for Boot Camp in Camp LeJeune, NC about two weeks after graduation. He deployed to Afghanistan for seven months. Upon his return, he came to visit Lainey, Stac and I at UMASS. It was on this night that he met Biscuit and well, the rest is history. Biscuit endured two more deployments and none of us really understood. 

This past Saturday night, I packed up my things and headed into Boston to see Lainey's new apartment and go out for Bacon's birthday celebration. We headed to a bar in Fanueil Hall and met up with more friends. A few hours and vodka-cranberry's later, I found myself being hit on by your typical Boston guido. 

"Hey, wanna dance?"

No response needed, I just held up my left hand, "Married," I said.

"Aw shit. Is he heeya?"

"No, he's in Iraq."

"Aw man, whateva. How bout you just gimme yer numba?"

Blank stare

"Com'on"

In steps Blaze. "Hey dude back the f*** off. She's f***ing married. She doesn't want to be talking to you. Leave her the f*** alone."

I looked at Blaze a little astonished. Not sure if all he could see was Biscuit in the situation in the past few years or if guido really pissed him off. Either way I was taken aback by his defensiveness and his genuine care for me. 

He didn't leave my side the rest of the night.

I can't help but look back on the situation and smile, "what great friends I have," I think to myself. I know Hubby appreciates them too, knowing he doesn't have to worry about me while he is so far away. 

Looking back on the past four months, I can feel pretty good about my accomplishments and my progress. Four months in and I am already 26.6% done with the deployment. For my grandmother, four months in was only 11.1% complete. I wonder what she did to pass the time and I wonder if she had a Blaze to look out for her. Not everyone can be as lucky as I. I know I couldn't do this without a little help from my friends.