Just to see you smile

As Hubby's deployment drew nearer, the more anxious I became. Feelings of uncertainty, angst and dread overcame my person. "How am I going to do this?" I'd think to myself. 15 months is a long time, there's no debating that; the question was: what do I do with myself? Deployment homefront veterans tell you what to do, what not to do, but until you've walked the walk, you never know what's going to work best. 

All my life I have struggled with boredom. It may sound like a petty battle but if my day is not filled completely, I go insane. There has not been a day since Hubby left where my day wasn't packed from 8am through 6pm. Taking six courses (20 credit hours) and five days of two hour workouts each week have kept me occupied for about ten hours each day. Weekends filled with family, friends and fun. However, as the semester has wound down, with two courses completed, I am having a hard time figuring out what to do with myself. I will be starting two new courses over the summer, but what do I do in the meantime?

I have always heard that deployments are a time of personal growth, a time of self-discovery and to be honest, I thought it was a load of BS (excuse the language) before this began. Only five months in, I have already discovered how I cope, not just with the deployment, but with bad situations in general. When I fill my days beyond capacity, I don't have time to think about Hubby. I don't have time to wonder why he hasn't called, to think about the danger he is in, or the 10 months ahead of us. I don't have time to wrap my head around the possibility of him not coming home. But, with all this free time, I do. 

Five months in and I've already come to this realization, in addition, I have realized just how important family and friends are. In times like this, it becomes apparent that your family will always be there for you and you discover who your true friends are (lucky for me, I have a lot of amazing friends). 

After this is all over, and we have endured 15 months of separation, I know that Hubby and I will never take one day together for granted, we will live in the moment and enjoy each other's company. Never again will I keep another countdown (my hatred for which will be articulated in its own post) nor will I ever cross each day off the calendar. 

The only thing that keeps me positive is quite intangible: promise of the future. I daydream, quite often, of Hubby getting off the plane for R and R (mid-tour leave) and running, once again, into the safety and security of his arms. I imagine touching his face and feeling his hand around mine, sensations I can barely remember, memories I try to hold onto. I try to remember all of his little quirks, but they are five months lost. When I close my eyes, I can't picture his handsome face. When I came to this troubling realization, I was quite saddened. I can't picture his mannerisms, the way he walks or laughs. What hurts the most though, is that I can't remember how he looks at me. 

The day that Hubby comes home for R and R cannot come soon enough, but the thought of it is what keeps me going. Until that day comes, all I can do is wait and hope that I have a task to do each day in order to pass the time, but more importantly, to keep my mind from wandering.