New Revelation

The day after Hubby left, my best friend from home, Lainey, came out here to visit. We've been having a blast together and I've been experiencing Hawaii through a different, friend mode. I have always liked Hawaii, but I've never loved it. Yesterday we spent the day on the North Shore with some of Hubby's friends on their beach. I'm not sure what it was, the water, the sun, what, but yesterday is when I fell in love with Hawaii. There's something magical about being in a place so beautiful, where the weather is always nice and the sea always alluring. I've taken for granted that in the morning I can go for a swim in the ocean for a workout instead of running on a treadmill. I love being able to go for hikes, go to the beach or spend a day inside and not worry that I am wasting a beautiful day because I know the next one will be just as amazing. The thought of moving back to the mainland is a little disappointing now, what other place in the US compares to the beautiful Pacific Isles? There are many things that frustrate me with Hawaii namely traffic and the cost of living, but what is there not to love about this place? How many people are given the opportunity to live in paradise? If only we could stretch our time here a little longer. Maybe years down the road we'll make our way back here in our golden years. A word of advice to those of you who have never visited this island before, please add it to your bucket list. You will not be disappointed.

The Life of an Army Wife is No Life

When Hubby got back from Iraq in February we were relieved that it would be the last time we'd have to be apart. In April, we found out that he was going to India in the fall... yet another goodbye. Hubby left home today, he'll only be gone for a month and I will be busy throughout the time, but needless to say, it's not fun. As I sit at home, I still feel like Hubby's just late coming home from work and he'll be walking in the door soon. Another goodbye, another month of lonely nights in an empty bed. Hubby and I talk all the time of how the Army is no life for a family. Nothing is ever set in stone and with training and deployments, soldiers are gone more than they are home. I am thankful that we do not have children now, I can't imagine having a child and their daddy is around the world not being able to see his son/daughter grow up. Having to move every four years and take the kids out of school, force them to leave their friends, not to mention that the wife/mother will never be successful in business moving every four years.

It is so sad to me that to Army wives, normalcy is having their husbands gone and it is out of routine when they are home. What kind of marriage is that? I of course respect those who make careers of the military, but it is no surprise that the divorce rate is as high as it is.

Anyway, enough of my rant. I am thankful that after Hubby comes home, we will never have to say goodbye ever again. Thank God. I am so excited for our life outside of the Army a real life, a happy life, with no goodbyes.

Return to Normalcy

I know I haven't written anything since Hubby came home, but we have been busy learning what married life is about. Although we've almost been married for two years, we still feel like newlyweds since we've only spent about five months together. We've been figuring out what works for us and discovering our differences and how we've each changed since he left in December 2007. We have begun to settle into a groove and while I am still searching for a job, we have, for the first time, a sort of normalcy in our life and our marriage. This past weekend, we went to a marriage retreat in Honolulu that was put on by the chaplains in Scott's brigade. I thought this would be a great learning experience for us both. We learned a lot about the differences between men and women in how they communicate, after we heard what they had to say, everything made sense. I had a much greater understanding of Hubby, his moods and how he communicates. Our life is wonderful and our marriage is great. While he was gone, I could not fathom life together as we have grown so accustom to life apart. It was well worth the wait.

Home!

Well, after 15 long months apart, I just received a phone call from Hubby letting me know that he just arrived on the island. The welcome home ceremony is in just 3 hours. I am about to leave our new condo to go pick up my husband. How exciting is that?!!!!

My mom, my friend

My mom and I had a busy week when we first arrived in Hawaii, it was packed full of moving and shopping and errands and everything and anything you could possibly think of and I couldn't have asked for someone better to have done it with. I hear a lot of girls say that their mom's are their best friends, but few truly mean it. After spending the last 15 months at home, I can honestly say that my mom really is my best friend. During my time at home, I did pretty much everything with her and I think that is why it was so hard when she left yesterday. I have always had a really hard time when my parents left me somewhere, at college and whatnot, I would bawl my eyes out as soon as they left or before they left and would ask them to take me home with them. I am a homebody at heart. I can't say that this time was any different. However, after becoming closer with my mom in the past year and a half, I almost think this goodbye was harder. As soon as the day she was scheduled to leave was in sight, I began to get down and homesick. I cried before we left for the airport, I cried at the airport, I cried on my way home from the airport. It has been a hard couple of days and I have been trying to keep myself busy until Hubby comes home. Before I moved home, I had been away for so long that I had forgotten how wonderful it is to have a real relationship with my family and friends and not just a long distance relationship. I had wanted to move to Charleston, SC after Hubby got out of the Army, but having lived at home for the past 15 months, I realized what's most important. One of my good friend's, Stacy, said it best, 'what good is a big house if you have no family or friends to fill it.' Well, that is exactly it. Hubby and I could live in South Carolina and have a very nice, very larger house, but neither of us have family there and neither of us have friends there anymore. To me, family and friends are just so much more important than a warm climate or a cheap housing market. At the end of the day, I want my family to be a part of my life, not just on the phone. I want my kids to know Grammy and Papa as so much more than 'those two people' they have to go visit a few times a year. Point being, in my time at home, I think my priorities have changed. After becoming so close to not just my mom, but my dad as well and not to mention my friends, I just cannot imagine living anywhere else.

That being said, Hubby is coming home tomorrow night. I am excited, but really nervous. We have never spent any substantial amount of time together, and when we had, there is always an end in sight. I guess I am just nervous about starting my married life. I can't wait, but I do have some obvious nerves. Tomorrow will be an amazing night and I just cannot wait for it!

The next chapter

Needless to say, the last couple of days at home were jam-packed full of goodbyes and getting ready to move my life from the frosty Massachusetts winter to the blustery Hawaiian sun. Dealing with this move, changing my life again, was not easy for me as I have always felt that I never dealt well with change. As I said goodbye to my ailing 90 year old grandmother, my new best friends, my old best friends, acquaintances and my family, I felt a pit in my stomach forming. How could I leave all of these people behind? Somehow though, as I rubbed my eyes when my alarm jolted my out of a deep sleep (accompanied by my cat, Max) at 2am, none of those thoughts really bothered me. As I wheeled my suitcase out of my bedroom, I paused to take it all in, to say goodbye per se. My parents were waiting in the car as tears came to my eyes as I rubbed, kissed and hugged the second and third loves of my life for the last time for a long while. Max kissed me back with his little wet nose and Ruby grunted as I interrupted her while she was eating, I do love those kitties. I pulled the last of my bags down the stairs and hopped in the car. We made it to the airport in no time at all since the only people on the road at the ungodly hour of 3am were those crazies who wanted to save a buck on their plane tickets by scheduling a 5am departure. The three of us made our way to the check-in counter with relative ease, as we got to the security line, Mom and I said goodbye to Dad. I felt my eyes burn with tears and a lump form in my throat as I hugged him and told him I loved him. I blinked away the tears as I pulled away and got into the line. As our plane ascended into the Boston sky, I stared out my window and bid farewell to my city until the next time. The most painful goodbyes were finally over and I didn’t really cry.
About eight hours later, Mom and I arrived in sunny San Diego and met my mother-in-law by the luggage carousel, we would be spending a weekend with my in-laws before continuing to Hawaii. We had the greatest weekend with them, I have been blessed with wonderful in-laws. They showed us around the city, did just enough touristy things without being a tourist, if that makes sense. We caught up, we talk and laughed and just had a great time together. Last night, Marsha invited two couples over for dinner, her two best friends and their husbands. What wonderful people. I truly hope that when Hubby and I are their age, we are surrounded by wonderful friends and family as well, that is what makes life complete. Whenever I visit San Diego without Hubby, my favorite part is learning more about him, seeing where he came from and what he was like when he was younger, I love looking at all the pictures in their house, it makes me feel closer to Hubby even when he is so far away.
As I write this, I am sitting on a plane en route to Hawaii. On the way for the number one love of my life to be back home with me, on the way to the beginning of the rest of our lives. The excitement I have is bubbling inside me, my stomach filled with butterflies just waiting to get out. So many days and nights while Hubby was gone, I felt like this day would never come. I have dreamt of this so many times and now it is finally here and it doesn’t seem real. In just about a week and a half, Hubby and I will finally be able to start our lives together. I am amazed in myself for making it through, I am amazed by Hubby for being so courageous. I truly do admire him for what he has been through, I am so proud of my husband. Finally, every night before I go to bed, I will be able to turn to him and kiss him goodnight, what greater joy is there?

Heavy Burdens

Thursday was my last day at work and since then I have been getting things ready to head back to Hawaii. It's really amazing how it didn't cost me anything to move home, aside from the plane ticket, but moving back has been costing a small fortune. Since airlines have decided to nickel and dime its consumers to death, it now cost $15 per bag to check and if it's over 50 pounds, $75 each. I weighed my options, overstuff a couple suitcases and pay $150 or pay to ship out excess belongings. I chose the latter. I have packed up seven boxes that need to be shipped to Hawaii via USPS. I have been hoping, praying that nothing gets lost. It has amazed me how fast the last month went by, it always seems that when you have a lot to do, there's no time to do it in. I have a 'to do' list about three pages long and even though I've been spending each day working on it, it never seems to get shorter. So much to do and so little time to do it in.

This coming weekend it pretty packed with friends, family and goodbyes. My friends, 'Blaze & Biscuit,' to which I have referred them, are throwing me a going away party on Friday at their house. It should be a lot of fun, our group of friends from high school, food and drinks, does it get any better than that? I am truly blessed to have found such great friends in them over this deployment. They both took care of me in a way that is hard to explain; they understand. They get what I am going through because they have done it before, more than once. I feel forever indebited to them for what they have done for me over the past 14 months. My sister is coming to town from New Mexico on Saturday for my grandmother's 90th birthday party. My cousin and I planned the party and I just know it will be wonderful. All of the grandkids will be there, Gram is so excited when she talks about it, truly something has been looking forward to for a long time.

With the excitement of Hubby coming home and heading back to Hawaii, comes a sadness and anxiety about leaving home. My family, especially my parents, have been so supportive during this, and I know I am lucky to have been blessed with such a wonderful mom and dad who love me unconditionally. Since Hubby has been gone, I've realized just how important family and friends are to me and while it is exciting that we'll be living in Hawaii, it saddens me to know how far I will be from my family and friends.

That being said, I am overjoyed that Hubby is coming home so soon, just about 20 days or so. We have been through so much in the last 14 months and I am still in disbelief that it is finally winding down and that we made it through. Since we've been married in July 2007, we have spent a total of two and a half months together. To have him home and know that he is here to stay is something that I cannot fathom, mainly because it has never been that way before. Our whole relationship has been long-distance and to not have to deal with that anymore will be such a burden lifted off of our shoulders.

The end is in sight.

I'm not really sure where the past few months have gone, but as I looked at my calender today and saw that it was January 17, I can't help but feel a little stressed. This job of mine sure has helped pass the time, and I often wonder why I didn't get one sooner! I am leaving home in a few weeks to head back to Hawaii to begin my life with Hubby. Looking back over the past 13 months, I can't believe how far we've come. So many things happened, but nothing happened all at the same time.

Around New Year's 2008, I made a list of resolutions and goals I wanted to accomplish while Hubby was gone, and I am happy to say that I met all of them. While I have done a lot since he's been gone, at the same time, I've felt like my like has been standing still. Hubby and I joke that 2008 is the year that never was. I always wonder how I'll explain 2008 to my children, a year on the home front, a year spent in good company, with great family and friends, but also a year spent away from Hubby, the first year of our marriage was spent a world apart. Either way, I will look back at 2008 as a year of personal growth. I think, today, I am a stronger, more independent person than I was 13 months ago. I know that if Hubby and I could make it through this, we can make it through anything.

There is still a little over a month until Hubby comes home. I often worry about something happening to him now, when the end is in sight. All I can do is pray to the Lord that he returns to me safely with no physical or mental battle wounds. As for now, I have a 'to do' list about 3 pages long and a packing list even longer. There is so much to do in between now and the time I leave, it's stressful just thinking about it. There's packing and shipping and paperwork and changing addresses and anything and everything you can think of. On top of all the stuff to do before moving, there's the visiting and hanging out with friends and family and acquaintances one last time before I head west.

In December 2007, I never thought this time would come. I had convinced myself that Hubby would get injured or wouldn't make it home. I endlessly worried in between phone calls and felt such relief when the phone did ring, I would, however, flinch when the door bell rang, someone called the house phone asking for me or I heard a knock on the front door. I was waiting for the bad news, which, I thought, was inevitable. I looked at the calendar and would could the months until it would all be over. With just about a month and a half to go, I still worry, but it does not occupy my thoughts, I look at the calendar and can't even conceive of being able to finish my 'to do' list in the short amount of time I have left at home and still manage to have some sort of life and see my friends and family.

Somehow, someway, Hubby and I have made it through the hardest part. I am so proud of us for accomplishing this feat, I'm not sure where the time went, I am so thankful to have been blessed with such a wonderful family and great friends, but I am glad to say that this deployment is winding down. The end is in sight.

Christmas without Hubby, round 2.

Before Hubby left last year, I was surprisingly ok with him being gone for Christmas. I thought that since he was leaving before, the guys he was replacing would be able to be home with their families for the holiday, plus, Hubby and I had our Christmas celebration before he left. We exchanged gifts and stockings and it was Christmas to us.

On Christmas last year, Hubby had been gone for only 15 days. I was confident about the day up until Christmas Eve. Every December 24, for the last 23 years of my life, I have spent with my mom's family at my aunt's house. It's an evening I look forward to every year. We leave our house around 3, stop by the cemetery to put swags on my grandparent's grave, stop by my (dad's side) great aunt and uncle's house to say hello and for some homemade Italian creations. We then venture on to my aunt's where we have food, food and more food followed by delicious desserts. It's an evening filled with family, friends and holiday tradition. When we were little Santa would even come pay us a visit. I'm not sure when exactly it hit me last year, but I soon realized that Christmas would not be the cake-walk I was hoping it would be.

Christmas day rolled around and I felt grateful and blessed to be able to spend the day with my parents and have our meal with my best friend, Michelle, and her family, but something was missing. Something was missing, Hubby and I were supposed to be spending our first married Christmas together, not a world apart. The thought that my new husband was in Iraq on Christmas, alone with no family to spend the day with tore at my heart all day. The fact that we were not together made my heart sink. I was hopeful however. I thought, "next Christmas won't be so bad because Hubby will be coming home so soon."

Well, it's five days until Christmas and, well, yes Hubby is coming home in just about two and a half months, but as I sit here, listening to Christmas music on the radio, my heart feels as heavy as it did a year ago. While everything has changed, nothing has changed at the same time. The deployment sucks no matter what, but the holidays make it especially tough. What makes Christmas what it is, is family and tradition. Even though I will be with my parents and extended family this Christmas, my husband will again be on the other side of the world. I will sit go through the day with the guilt that I get to have a Christmas at home, while Hubby is in Iraq with no family, just soldiers sharing a table, eating a decent meal. Nothing about that says Christmas. I just hope that Hubby will keep in mind that no matter the distance, he is always in my heart and my mind, especially at Christmastime.

Time flies...

As I rolled out of bed this morning, I glanced at my calendar, "December 1st?" I thought to myself. "How did it get to be December already?" Looking back over the last year, I can't believe that I've made it as far as I have. In just about a week, Hubby will have been gone for a year. 365 days. 52 weeks. 12 months. Where did it go? Thinking about the deployment thus far, I can sum it up as this: overall the time flew but the day-to-day grind crawled. It's hard to explain and I'm sure even harder to understand unless you've been through it. Most people can't begin to fathom the concept of having their husbands leave them for a year, well neither could I.

At this time last year, I was struggling pretty bad. The idea of the unknown terrified me. I tried so hard to be happy and truly enjoy Hubby and my last week together, but reality is that the thought of the pending doom ahead was never far from my thoughts. I looked back 15 months from where I was and was shaken at how different my life was then; I couldn't help but think that after spending 15 months away from Hubby, my life would be drastically different then, too. After having been through 12 of the 15 months, I tell people that the anticipation was worse than the actual deployment. Although, when I tell them that, I leave out the days that were worse, those days that I spent checking my email every five or ten minutes to see if I got a message or checking the online bank account to see any transaction that Hubby may have done so I can see that he is in fact ok, even though I haven't spoken with him in days. A friend and I decided that if the guys were only gone for a year, it would be much more managable because 15 months is an undefined amount of time, pretty hard to wrap your head around. If Hubby were only gone for a year, he'd be on his way home and I would be back in Hawaii.

On January 1, 2008, I made myself several resolutions, things that I wanted to complete by the time Hubby came home. I wanted to get back in better shape, get myself and our finances organized, graduate from college, get a job, and become a more independent person. I am proud to say that after 12 months, all of these resolutions have been met and some even exceeded. I am proud of myself for making it this far, but just have to find the strength and courage to make it though yet another Christmas another holiday season without my husband. The first year of our marriage was handed over to Iraq, the military got more out of my husband than I have, but all that is just for three more months, and then I have him for the rest of our lives.

Leaving home, however, is going to be rather bittersweet for me. I attended college in South Carolina, so going from there to Hawaii was not difficult. Since I have been home with my parents and friends for a year, I've grown quite accustomed to the daily life in Massachusetts. I've become a lot closer with both of my parents and have developed my friendships ever further. Being away from my family and only visiting a few times a year just doesn't seem like enough for me. I want to be able to go shopping with my mom on a random weekend, have lunch with my dad and be able to see my friends on the weekends. It makes me sad to know that I won't be a part of my parents or friends day-to-day lives. Being in the holiday season really amplifies this. Knowing that holidays will not all be spent with my family makes me sad and maybe makes me a bit selfish. I do know that I will be quite homesick for quite some time.

How quickly the time has passed, I wish that I had done more with my time, achieved more, spent more time with friends, taken more classes. Overall, the time has gone well and luckily for me, Hubby will be home in just three months.