Before Hubby left last year, I was surprisingly ok with him being gone for Christmas. I thought that since he was leaving before, the guys he was replacing would be able to be home with their families for the holiday, plus, Hubby and I had our Christmas celebration before he left. We exchanged gifts and stockings and it was Christmas to us.
On Christmas last year, Hubby had been gone for only 15 days. I was confident about the day up until Christmas Eve. Every December 24, for the last 23 years of my life, I have spent with my mom's family at my aunt's house. It's an evening I look forward to every year. We leave our house around 3, stop by the cemetery to put swags on my grandparent's grave, stop by my (dad's side) great aunt and uncle's house to say hello and for some homemade Italian creations. We then venture on to my aunt's where we have food, food and more food followed by delicious desserts. It's an evening filled with family, friends and holiday tradition. When we were little Santa would even come pay us a visit. I'm not sure when exactly it hit me last year, but I soon realized that Christmas would not be the cake-walk I was hoping it would be.
Christmas day rolled around and I felt grateful and blessed to be able to spend the day with my parents and have our meal with my best friend, Michelle, and her family, but something was missing. Something was missing, Hubby and I were supposed to be spending our first married Christmas together, not a world apart. The thought that my new husband was in Iraq on Christmas, alone with no family to spend the day with tore at my heart all day. The fact that we were not together made my heart sink. I was hopeful however. I thought, "next Christmas won't be so bad because Hubby will be coming home so soon."
Well, it's five days until Christmas and, well, yes Hubby is coming home in just about two and a half months, but as I sit here, listening to Christmas music on the radio, my heart feels as heavy as it did a year ago. While everything has changed, nothing has changed at the same time. The deployment sucks no matter what, but the holidays make it especially tough. What makes Christmas what it is, is family and tradition. Even though I will be with my parents and extended family this Christmas, my husband will again be on the other side of the world. I will sit go through the day with the guilt that I get to have a Christmas at home, while Hubby is in Iraq with no family, just soldiers sharing a table, eating a decent meal. Nothing about that says Christmas. I just hope that Hubby will keep in mind that no matter the distance, he is always in my heart and my mind, especially at Christmastime.
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