Time flies...

As I rolled out of bed this morning, I glanced at my calendar, "December 1st?" I thought to myself. "How did it get to be December already?" Looking back over the last year, I can't believe that I've made it as far as I have. In just about a week, Hubby will have been gone for a year. 365 days. 52 weeks. 12 months. Where did it go? Thinking about the deployment thus far, I can sum it up as this: overall the time flew but the day-to-day grind crawled. It's hard to explain and I'm sure even harder to understand unless you've been through it. Most people can't begin to fathom the concept of having their husbands leave them for a year, well neither could I.

At this time last year, I was struggling pretty bad. The idea of the unknown terrified me. I tried so hard to be happy and truly enjoy Hubby and my last week together, but reality is that the thought of the pending doom ahead was never far from my thoughts. I looked back 15 months from where I was and was shaken at how different my life was then; I couldn't help but think that after spending 15 months away from Hubby, my life would be drastically different then, too. After having been through 12 of the 15 months, I tell people that the anticipation was worse than the actual deployment. Although, when I tell them that, I leave out the days that were worse, those days that I spent checking my email every five or ten minutes to see if I got a message or checking the online bank account to see any transaction that Hubby may have done so I can see that he is in fact ok, even though I haven't spoken with him in days. A friend and I decided that if the guys were only gone for a year, it would be much more managable because 15 months is an undefined amount of time, pretty hard to wrap your head around. If Hubby were only gone for a year, he'd be on his way home and I would be back in Hawaii.

On January 1, 2008, I made myself several resolutions, things that I wanted to complete by the time Hubby came home. I wanted to get back in better shape, get myself and our finances organized, graduate from college, get a job, and become a more independent person. I am proud to say that after 12 months, all of these resolutions have been met and some even exceeded. I am proud of myself for making it this far, but just have to find the strength and courage to make it though yet another Christmas another holiday season without my husband. The first year of our marriage was handed over to Iraq, the military got more out of my husband than I have, but all that is just for three more months, and then I have him for the rest of our lives.

Leaving home, however, is going to be rather bittersweet for me. I attended college in South Carolina, so going from there to Hawaii was not difficult. Since I have been home with my parents and friends for a year, I've grown quite accustomed to the daily life in Massachusetts. I've become a lot closer with both of my parents and have developed my friendships ever further. Being away from my family and only visiting a few times a year just doesn't seem like enough for me. I want to be able to go shopping with my mom on a random weekend, have lunch with my dad and be able to see my friends on the weekends. It makes me sad to know that I won't be a part of my parents or friends day-to-day lives. Being in the holiday season really amplifies this. Knowing that holidays will not all be spent with my family makes me sad and maybe makes me a bit selfish. I do know that I will be quite homesick for quite some time.

How quickly the time has passed, I wish that I had done more with my time, achieved more, spent more time with friends, taken more classes. Overall, the time has gone well and luckily for me, Hubby will be home in just three months.

Back to the grind.

I just received a comment on my last blog about a company who is doing a promotion for people who have loved ones deployed. They are giving away 20,000 free welcome home banners & jumbo greeting cards. You can order the big, vinyl signs you always see for free, the only thing you pay is shipping. It's definitely a great deal. So please, any military families, anyone, spread the word, tell your families and friends. Visit the website at: www.buildasign.com/Troops

Anyway, I started my first, full-time week at work and I actually like it. Everyone always told me that I'd miss college, blah, blah. But I don't, I really don't. I haven't been able to talk to Hubby much lately, he was recently promoted and has been really busy. So busy in fact that he's slept in his office the past couple nights. The hardest thing is not knowing when he is going to call, not knowing if he is ok. I talk to him very consistently, and when our schedule gets off whack, I get really nervous. I start creating worst-case scenarios in my mind. I relentlessly check my facebook and my gmail accounts for any word, I even check our online bank statements to see if he's been using his card. If he has, I know he's ok. After a few days without a phone call, Hubby finally called around 2am, and we spoke for a short period of time. He was able to call again this morning while I was at work, and luckily, my boss is 100% understanding. I told him it was Scott on the phone and that I was heading downstairs to talk to him, he even offered his office so I wouldn't be bothered. I still don't feel like, though, that when Hubby and I talk when I am at work, that I can have a real, good conversation with him. It's frustrating, but the end is near and is getting so close I can see it on the horizon. In just about three months, I will be packing up my life as I know it at home and heading back to Hubby and my tropical paradise. If only I could make those three months hurry up!!

Quick Update

Well, I know it's been a while since I have made a post. In my defense, I have been really busy. The day after Hubby left I started a new job working for the town. And on top of that my dad just had a heart attack on Monday. Scary stuff, he's ok, but is still in the hospital, but will finally be coming home tomorrow. So needless to say, in between work and running to the hospital, the last thing on my mind was writing a blog.

My dad's heart attack made me think. He's a healthy person, I convinced he and my mom to get back to the gym over the summer, he goes about 4 times a week, he eat pretty healthy (having stomach problems and being lactose intolerant does that to you), his cholesterol is 120, which I guess is really good. Two of the main arteries in his heart were 70 and 80 percent blocked. It's funny how you can do everything right, but still get shit luck. Life has its own course of action in mind for each of us and sometimes nothing we do can change that.

I have been missing Hubby a lot in the past couple days, but I have been busy enough to keep my mind off the fact that our once a day conversations are brief, not nearly long enough to catch each other up on our lives.

Next week, my sister's family is coming out to visit which will be so much fun except that it will be the first week I work full-time, which is a definite drag. Luckily Tuesday is a holiday and even though I have to work late for a meeting one day, I get Friday off in return.

I am always counting the days to something. Now it's until my sister gets here and then it will be Thanksgiving, then Christmas, New Year's, Valentine's Day, and eventually the day I get to go back to Hawaii. Always counting, always. I can't wait for Hubby to come home, so I no longer have to count. Hurry up!

Military Hierarchy.

While yesterday wasn't nearly as bad as when Hubby left the first time, it was still hard nonetheless. My experience yesterday is a worse experience than most people will have to deal with in their marriages or relationships, well aside from death or divorce, obviously. The second goodbye is still painful. I never want to be used to my husband being gone, I never want to get to the point where another goodbye is just another goodbye, to the point where it doesn't even affect me that much. I never want a marriage like that. Since my first Army wife experiences, never have I bought into the Army wife hierarchy. In their world you are not just Jane Doe, no, no, you are *insert rank* Doe's wife. The higher up's wives do not associate with the younger wives and really want nothing to do with them. Being Lt. Hubby's wife, I was pretty low ranking on the Army wife scale. So ridiculous to me. There are those women though, who do buy into it, maybe for traditions sake, maybe because that's their only thing, moving around every four years doesn't give many military wives the opportunity to really become successful in a career. Maybe the hierarchy is their way of feeling successful and important. When really, they are simply wearing their husband's rank. That however, is not my beef with these women. What bothers me the most is that many military wives keep their feelings away from their deployed husbands, because the husbands have better things to worry about. Yes, they do have better things to worry about and I try not to tell Hubby things that would stress him out or things that he has no control over. However, I feel that if a wife keeps all of her emotions inside and never expresses them to her husband, wouldn't he feel that she doesn't need him? Plus, what kind of marriage is it when you can't talk about your feelings and emotions? Hubby tells me what's on his mind, what's bothering him or stressing him out and in turn, I tell him the same. As a normal, healthy marriage should work. I just never want to be so caught up in the strict Army wife standards that it, in turn, bruises my marriage. Upholding certain standards is important in the military world, my marriage is a lot more important.

Goodbye again

Hubby and I knew that R&R would go quick, and we sure were right. As I said in my previous post, it took a little getting used to him being home and finally when we were back in our groove, he had to leave.

Hubby's 18 days of R&R vacation bliss ended today. Although we were sure that last night would be sad, it turned out not to be. Thinking back to the night before he left in December, I'm pretty sure that I cried for a solid 4 hours with no exaggeration. Last night, not one tear was shed. We talk and laughed and held each other close. We discussed our future and how close it all really is. When the alarm went off this morning, I dreaded getting out of bed and driving to the airport. I tried to convince Hubby to let me come to the gate with him, but he refused explaining that it would just be delaying the inevitable. As we pulled up to the drop-off spot, my heart sank. Another goodbye. He gathered his things and held me, whispering that he loved me in my ear. I touched his soft face, kissed him and watched him walk away, again. My heart broke, again. I got back in the car and watched him disappear into the airport, I sat there for a minute hoping he would come back. I wiped the tears from my eyes and noticed a man from the car in front of me, he gave me a sympathetic smile and a quick wave. I wondered what was going though his head. And as quickly as our paths crossed, he went on bidding farewell to his relative, I drove off. Another tearful goodbye. With this goodbye, comes hope and promise. This departure will be Hubby last, the next time I see him, he will be come home from the Middle East for good and hopefully we will never have to say goodbye ever again. No more tears, just happiness, just typical married couple things, just bliss.

Home Sweet Home

Well, Hubby has been home for a week and we've been having a wonderful time together. The day he came home, I received a phone call from him in Atlanta saying, "hi honey, I'm getting on a flight in a half hour, I'll see you in 3 hours." "Crap," I thought to myself. I just gotten myself out of bed and barely had the time to check my email and update my blog quickly. I hurried into the shower and scrambled to get ready in time to leave so I wouldn't be late. It was past rush hour, so I figured there wouldn't be a lot of traffic. Well, I was wrong. There is always traffic in Boston. By the time I got to the airport and through security, I had ten minutes before Hubby's flight was scheduled to arrive at the gate. It was a good thing I didn't get there any sooner. As soon as I arrived at the gate, my hands started to shake, my heart pounded so hard I felt like I could see it through my shirt. I tapped my feet on the ground, and patted my hands on my legs. I was so anxious and restless and impatient. Finally, the plane arrived and I stood directly in front of the entryway. I saw Hubby with his sunglasses on and ran into his arms, I felt all the pairs on eyes fixated on us there. The ten months that had passed seemed to disappear and it felt like Hubby had never left in the first place.

Since I'm being honest, it did take a few days for me to get used to Hubby being home. I had to remember that we are an us not a me and you. After being independent for ten months, it was hard to have to build a schedule around a couple not just me. Call it selfish, but that's the way it was. I've never been good at dealing with change and this was just another example. Once we arrived in Charleston, everything was back to normal. We have been having a great time here and wish it would last forever. The thought of Hubby having to go back is so far removed from my thoughts right now, which is good, but I know that the day will sneak up on us all too quickly. So now, I am off to enjoy every last second I have with my Hubby. I'll post another update after he leaves.

Today!!

Well, I finally got a good night sleep last night... at least until 5am. It didn't help that my cat, Max came in meowing, looking for food and then plopped himself on my bed, staring at me. I tried to go back to sleep, I really did, but I just couldn't do it. How could I?? Hubby would be landing in Atlanta in an hour or so and I would be getting the phone call to tell me when he will arrive in Boston. I am still waiting. Hurry up Hubby! I am exhausted beyond words. The last few nights have been pretty restless. In just a few hours I will see Hubby for the first time in 10 months. I cannot wait!

Anticipation.

Well, Hubby is coming home tomorrow! I am so excited, but so nervous at the same time. Hubby has been gone since December 2007, ten months. For newly weds, that is a long time to be apart in a crucial time of our marriage. I'm nervous that things won't be the same, nervous that our love for one another will have changed somewhat. I know change is a necessary part of a deployment, but it doesn't make it any easier to handle. When Hubby's friend Cpt. G was headed to Europe to meet his girlfriend and my friend, CityGirl, she was nervous as well. I didn't really understand her nerves until now. I know that everything will be fine once I see him, but the anticipation is killing me. I wish he could hurry up and get here, I am so anxious. Since he will be home for 18 days, I probably won't be writing much while he is home, but I will be sure to post an update as soon as he leaves. Wish me luck!!!

Field Hockey Superstars

I just want to take a moment to brag about my field hockey teams. As I previously stated, I am assistant coaching JV and Varsity field hockey at my old high school. The girls are awesome and so much fun to work with. Unfortunately, Monday will be my last game with them, but it is for good reason since Hubby is coming home. I know on the bus ride home Monday night, I will be sad to leave because I have been with these girls every day for the past two months. On a varsity run earlier in the week, one of the girls came up to me and said, "Is your husband hot? We decided he has got to be, but is he?" I laughed, "of course he is, he's my husband!" They asked me to bring a picture the next day. When I showed up at practice, the girls swarmed me. "Hubba, hubba" I heard from the crowd, "he's so muscular." I told them that Hubby and I would be attending their last game together. They rejoiced. I kid you not, rejoiced, claiming that the game would be their, "favorite game of the season." Hahaha.

All the girls have great personalities and most have improved drastically over the season. Their records have been amazing to say the least. Varsity with 4-3-4 (wins, losses, ties), JV with 11-0-0, they say it's skill, I say it's good coaching... Either way, they are great girls and I feel so lucky to have had the opportunity to work with them for the past couple months.

Hurry up!

I am pretty sure that time is at a standstill. The past week has gone by quickly and I am pleasantly surprised that it is already Thursday, but today, ugh, today, it's only 11:30. Hurry up Tuesday!!!!!!!!