Before Hubby left last year, I was surprisingly ok with him being gone for Christmas. I thought that since he was leaving before, the guys he was replacing would be able to be home with their families for the holiday, plus, Hubby and I had our Christmas celebration before he left. We exchanged gifts and stockings and it was Christmas to us.
On Christmas last year, Hubby had been gone for only 15 days. I was confident about the day up until Christmas Eve. Every December 24, for the last 23 years of my life, I have spent with my mom's family at my aunt's house. It's an evening I look forward to every year. We leave our house around 3, stop by the cemetery to put swags on my grandparent's grave, stop by my (dad's side) great aunt and uncle's house to say hello and for some homemade Italian creations. We then venture on to my aunt's where we have food, food and more food followed by delicious desserts. It's an evening filled with family, friends and holiday tradition. When we were little Santa would even come pay us a visit. I'm not sure when exactly it hit me last year, but I soon realized that Christmas would not be the cake-walk I was hoping it would be.
Christmas day rolled around and I felt grateful and blessed to be able to spend the day with my parents and have our meal with my best friend, Michelle, and her family, but something was missing. Something was missing, Hubby and I were supposed to be spending our first married Christmas together, not a world apart. The thought that my new husband was in Iraq on Christmas, alone with no family to spend the day with tore at my heart all day. The fact that we were not together made my heart sink. I was hopeful however. I thought, "next Christmas won't be so bad because Hubby will be coming home so soon."
Well, it's five days until Christmas and, well, yes Hubby is coming home in just about two and a half months, but as I sit here, listening to Christmas music on the radio, my heart feels as heavy as it did a year ago. While everything has changed, nothing has changed at the same time. The deployment sucks no matter what, but the holidays make it especially tough. What makes Christmas what it is, is family and tradition. Even though I will be with my parents and extended family this Christmas, my husband will again be on the other side of the world. I will sit go through the day with the guilt that I get to have a Christmas at home, while Hubby is in Iraq with no family, just soldiers sharing a table, eating a decent meal. Nothing about that says Christmas. I just hope that Hubby will keep in mind that no matter the distance, he is always in my heart and my mind, especially at Christmastime.
Saturday, December 20, 2008
Monday, December 1, 2008
Time flies...
As I rolled out of bed this morning, I glanced at my calendar, "December 1st?" I thought to myself. "How did it get to be December already?" Looking back over the last year, I can't believe that I've made it as far as I have. In just about a week, Hubby will have been gone for a year. 365 days. 52 weeks. 12 months. Where did it go? Thinking about the deployment thus far, I can sum it up as this: overall the time flew but the day-to-day grind crawled. It's hard to explain and I'm sure even harder to understand unless you've been through it. Most people can't begin to fathom the concept of having their husbands leave them for a year, well neither could I.
At this time last year, I was struggling pretty bad. The idea of the unknown terrified me. I tried so hard to be happy and truly enjoy Hubby and my last week together, but reality is that the thought of the pending doom ahead was never far from my thoughts. I looked back 15 months from where I was and was shaken at how different my life was then; I couldn't help but think that after spending 15 months away from Hubby, my life would be drastically different then, too. After having been through 12 of the 15 months, I tell people that the anticipation was worse than the actual deployment. Although, when I tell them that, I leave out the days that were worse, those days that I spent checking my email every five or ten minutes to see if I got a message or checking the online bank account to see any transaction that Hubby may have done so I can see that he is in fact ok, even though I haven't spoken with him in days. A friend and I decided that if the guys were only gone for a year, it would be much more managable because 15 months is an undefined amount of time, pretty hard to wrap your head around. If Hubby were only gone for a year, he'd be on his way home and I would be back in Hawaii.
On January 1, 2008, I made myself several resolutions, things that I wanted to complete by the time Hubby came home. I wanted to get back in better shape, get myself and our finances organized, graduate from college, get a job, and become a more independent person. I am proud to say that after 12 months, all of these resolutions have been met and some even exceeded. I am proud of myself for making it this far, but just have to find the strength and courage to make it though yet another Christmas another holiday season without my husband. The first year of our marriage was handed over to Iraq, the military got more out of my husband than I have, but all that is just for three more months, and then I have him for the rest of our lives.
Leaving home, however, is going to be rather bittersweet for me. I attended college in South Carolina, so going from there to Hawaii was not difficult. Since I have been home with my parents and friends for a year, I've grown quite accustomed to the daily life in Massachusetts. I've become a lot closer with both of my parents and have developed my friendships ever further. Being away from my family and only visiting a few times a year just doesn't seem like enough for me. I want to be able to go shopping with my mom on a random weekend, have lunch with my dad and be able to see my friends on the weekends. It makes me sad to know that I won't be a part of my parents or friends day-to-day lives. Being in the holiday season really amplifies this. Knowing that holidays will not all be spent with my family makes me sad and maybe makes me a bit selfish. I do know that I will be quite homesick for quite some time.
How quickly the time has passed, I wish that I had done more with my time, achieved more, spent more time with friends, taken more classes. Overall, the time has gone well and luckily for me, Hubby will be home in just three months.
At this time last year, I was struggling pretty bad. The idea of the unknown terrified me. I tried so hard to be happy and truly enjoy Hubby and my last week together, but reality is that the thought of the pending doom ahead was never far from my thoughts. I looked back 15 months from where I was and was shaken at how different my life was then; I couldn't help but think that after spending 15 months away from Hubby, my life would be drastically different then, too. After having been through 12 of the 15 months, I tell people that the anticipation was worse than the actual deployment. Although, when I tell them that, I leave out the days that were worse, those days that I spent checking my email every five or ten minutes to see if I got a message or checking the online bank account to see any transaction that Hubby may have done so I can see that he is in fact ok, even though I haven't spoken with him in days. A friend and I decided that if the guys were only gone for a year, it would be much more managable because 15 months is an undefined amount of time, pretty hard to wrap your head around. If Hubby were only gone for a year, he'd be on his way home and I would be back in Hawaii.
On January 1, 2008, I made myself several resolutions, things that I wanted to complete by the time Hubby came home. I wanted to get back in better shape, get myself and our finances organized, graduate from college, get a job, and become a more independent person. I am proud to say that after 12 months, all of these resolutions have been met and some even exceeded. I am proud of myself for making it this far, but just have to find the strength and courage to make it though yet another Christmas another holiday season without my husband. The first year of our marriage was handed over to Iraq, the military got more out of my husband than I have, but all that is just for three more months, and then I have him for the rest of our lives.
Leaving home, however, is going to be rather bittersweet for me. I attended college in South Carolina, so going from there to Hawaii was not difficult. Since I have been home with my parents and friends for a year, I've grown quite accustomed to the daily life in Massachusetts. I've become a lot closer with both of my parents and have developed my friendships ever further. Being away from my family and only visiting a few times a year just doesn't seem like enough for me. I want to be able to go shopping with my mom on a random weekend, have lunch with my dad and be able to see my friends on the weekends. It makes me sad to know that I won't be a part of my parents or friends day-to-day lives. Being in the holiday season really amplifies this. Knowing that holidays will not all be spent with my family makes me sad and maybe makes me a bit selfish. I do know that I will be quite homesick for quite some time.
How quickly the time has passed, I wish that I had done more with my time, achieved more, spent more time with friends, taken more classes. Overall, the time has gone well and luckily for me, Hubby will be home in just three months.
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