Thank you.

It has been so easy to feel alone since Hubby has left. Alone in the sense that no one else understands what I am going through. Alone in that even though our whole family is enduring this, my life is the only one that has drastically changed. Obviously, Hubby and my family has been extremely supportive as have my friends, but when push comes to shove, they just don't get it, and I wouldn't or couldn't expect them to. As I have said before, the only people that truly understand are those who have done it before. 

I have always found comfort in knowing that I am not alone in the sense that many women have done this before, many are doing it now and there will be many more in the future. All of which have endured the pain. There are two types of comforting people, those who have already endured and those who are enduring. I have been blessed with both, all of whom I can consider great friends. I have mentioned Blaze and Biscuit numerous times before. They are both amazing friends who have been so comforting and supportive, listening when I need to talk and offering advice when need be. I have also found comfort in a fiancee of a coworker of Hubby's, CityGirl. Since we have been going through the same deployment, we can share our struggles and excitements and countdown together.

While Blaze and Biscuit offer experience and CityGirl is going through the same thing, it is not my implication that they are the only three people in whom I find support. As I previously mentioned, my family, Hubby's family, my wonderful friends and even Hubby's friends have consistently been checking up on me and keeping me company and I am forever grateful. Their comfort and support mean more than I could ever begin to explain. 

 I am lucky to have so many wonderful people in my life that I have been able to lean on throughout this experience. I really just wanted to acknowledge anyone and everyone who has been here throughout the last nine months and thank them for everything they do, even if they do not realize it. More than you know, thank you. 

Journey of Life

It's hard to believe that it has almost been nine months since Hubby left. Looking back on previous years without Hubby, so much seemed to occur. 

By the time Hubby comes home for R&R it will have been ten months since we have seen each other. Almost a year. That is a long time. We've been married for just about 14 months, and we have been together for two and a half of those. It's pretty ridiculous if you ask me. 

In the past nine months, a lot has happened. I reacquainted myself with my friends, got myself into good shape, developed a gym habit, finished all my classes, graduated from college, visited my in-laws in San Diego, visited my sister and her family in New Mexico, had a job, lost a job, started assistant coaching JV and varsity field hockey and am training to run my first 5k. 

While I feel that I have accomplished a lot since Hubby has been gone, I still feel that I have not done nearly as much as I had in previous, pre-Hubby times. My life is going forward, I am getting older and reaching many goals I have set for myself, however, a part of me still lingers in the past. While my life is moving forward, my marriage is at a standstill. Hubby and I of course are growing together through this deployment, but all I can base it off of is the past. Reality is that Hubby has missed nine months of my life and will miss another six. 

Part of me wants to enjoy this year and live in the moment, but most of me just yearns for the day when Hubby and I can live life together. When no longer do I have to tell Hubby about the little things or the big things and send pictures so he can see what happened. I cannot wait for the day when we can celebrate the successes of our lives together. I cannot wait for the day when I no longer have to stop my walk of life to look back and see if Hubby is still there. I want to glance to my side and see him next to me. 

Always flexible

At this point in my life and marriage to a soldier, I should know by now that the Army controls our life and at any moment in time, without any notification, they can change any and everything. 

Hubby and I have been so excited about his upcoming R&R in September. He was supposed to find out the exact date he was going to be leaving this past weekend and he was sure given an answer. My phone rang Saturday morning and giddy, I answered the phone. We carried on as usual for a while and then Hubby said, "I have some bad news." My stomach tightened. But I thought, "Hubby's on the other line, how bad could it be?" He explained that there were too many people signed up to go home in September and his leave date was bumped back to October. 

Now, more people would say, "oh, it's just another month." Well, let me explain that when you have been counting down to a specific date for months and months, to add another month onto that is pretty devastating. Now, he could come home in the beginning of October, which would only be two weeks after his previous date. After a few days of letting this sink in and it's not thaaat bad, but still frustrating. 

Looking back on how I acted, it was pretty ridiculous. I was mad, pissed off, livid really. When Hubby told me the news, I was with a bunch of friends so it didn't really sink in. I told Blaze about what happened and he offered, "don't take it out on him." The next day, after the weekend was over and it all began to sink in, I got even more mad. And what did I do? I took it out on Hubby. Yelled at him, blamed him, the whole nine yards. I know Hubby was mad too and we both took it out on each other. For no reason at all, it's the Army that is to blame. 

I suppose I was looking for someone to vent my anger to, someone to blame, someone to get mad at for making it even longer until I get to see my husband. He was the easiest person to blame. I am disappointed in myself for how I handled the situation, but have learned from it. This is just another reminder that the Army rules our lives, they just wanted to make sure we remembered and we sure do. 

College, fate and graduation

I still remember the day I packed up life as I knew it and headed off to my freshman year at the University of Massachusetts, Amherst. I was scared, petrified really. Lainey and I agreed that we would not live together or hang out for the first few weeks so we could make our own friends. Well, that lasted about three days. I remember walking across campus and finally seeing Lainey like it had been years, a familiar face was the exact remedy I needed. 

I had a hard time transitioning into college and still believe that I really should have taken a year off after high school, I just wasn't ready. Coming from a town like mine where my graduating class had 78 students, I knew everyone, everyone knew me and everyone knew each other's life stories. After moving into the Umass dorms, I realized that not only did I not know anyone, they didn't care to know my life stories. My freshman experience was less than fabulous. I consistently dealt with girls that Lainey, Stac and I dubbed "biddies." You know the type, think NY or Jersey girl stereotype, who is just a little too tan, a little too blonde, a little too dumb and wears little clothing. The girls who wear mini-skirts and pumps to class in the middle of the winter and is dressed to the nine's to walk across campus (a 30 minute walk) when it is below 10 degrees, plus wind. Before Umass, I didn't know these girls really existed except in movies, they just rubbed me the wrong way, especially since they all seemed to live in my dorm. 

After time, I realized that in-state and some out-of-state students all were hanging out with their friends from high school. Some of the high school groups became friends with other high school groups, but very few did not acknowledge their hometown friends. What a relief for me. Lainey, Stac and I were pretty much inseparable. Freshman year came and went and while coming into my sophomore year, I realized that Umass was not for me. I could not picture myself continuing another 3 years and being content as a graduate from Umass Amherst. Granted, the Umass School of Business is ranked one of the top in the nation alongside programs at Harvard and Yale. But that just wasn't enough for me. I wanted to get out and see a different part of the world. If I didn't leave Umass, I would never leave Massachusetts. After doing my research and finding a school with a decent journalism program (because that was what I intended to change my major to) I decided upon the University of South Carolina. 

On January 1, 2005 my parents and I were heading down 95 with a carful of my college stuff, clothes, decorations, bedding, everything you could imagine. I had left my life, my friends and my family and was headed to Columbia, SC, where I did not know a soul. I had chatted with my roommate over instant messenger briefly and she seemed nice enough. I was nervous, but not in a bad way as I was when I left for Umass, it was an excited nervous. 

After settling into life down south, my roommate, Megs, and I became fast friends. We were soon inseparable. We did everything together. She became more of a sister than family. One of those rare friends that you only find a few of in your lifetime. After school ended, she was moving down to Charleston, SC with a bunch of our guy friends from the Citadel. I headed down to help her move in. The night we arrived, we were lounging around with the guys, having a few drinks. I was laying on the futon and suddenly, this guy I had never met before strolled in. I glanced up and immediately noticed how good-looking he was, blond hair, blue eyes, tan skin, perfection. After introducing ourselves, I pulled Megs into the kitchen.

"Who is that?" I asked.

"Oh, Scotty?" she smiled. "Ash, he has a serious girlfriend, plus he's a huge flirt."

Disappointed, we returned to the bedroom where everyone was hanging out. Scotty and I stayed in touch over the summer and remained friends for a long time. Eventually, Scotty became Hubby and the rest is history. 

As my parents and I made our way down to SC for graduation this past weekend. I could help but think how fast the last five years have gone by. It seems like yesterday that I was driving to Umass. I can't help but think of how blessed I am that I chose to transfer to Carolina. If anything had happened differently, Hubby probably wouldn't be Hubby. If I hadn't been randomly assigned to have Megs as a roommate or if we didn't hit it off so well. If Hubby hadn't decided last minute to apply to the Citadel or if he had decided to transfer to Dayton his sophomore year. It's all fate. 

However, lucky for us, we chose to do what we did and it has obviously worked out. I am just so happy that my college years have come and gone and now I can move on with my life. All I have to do is wait for Hubby to come home. 

As the seasons change

July is finally over and the glorious Massachusetts summer season is winding down. After having spent my last three summers in South Carolina and one in Hawaii, I had forgotten how short the warm season here is. In SC, July is just when it's starting to get hot, August is the most torturously sweltering summer month. Heat indexes topped 120 last summer while I was taking summer classes in Columbia; you really can't even go outside. But at least though, it stays warm well into November. Since July in MA is the warmest month, we have nowhere to go but down. This makes me sad, I posted a while back about how I live for the summer, and I really do. Winter is just so depressing and miserable. 

Driving down the street, mid-winter, everything is white, grey or black and dead. The only color Mother Nature provides is the occasional blue sky when the sun decides to show its face. It is especially brilliant the morning after a snowstorm. It is the most spectacular sight, the sky, vibrant blue and the sun so strong, bouncing off the white snow into your eyes. This is one of the few times the sun appears in the winter. I have begun to believe that even the sun doesn't like New England winter and that's why he doesn't come out very often, just enough to see if the snow has melted. The worst part of winter is the cold, it's worse when it's cold and there is no snow - it results in the bitterest of all bitters you have experienced. The kind where you step out of your warm house into the frigid air, pull your scarf tighter around your neck and blow air our your nose because winter had made its way inside and froze your nostril hairs. This misery is looming on the horizon.

Luckily, fall in New England is amazing. The morning air, filled with sun, has a bit of a chill, but by mid-morning has gave way to beautiful low 70s air. Somedays in SC reminded me of fall in MA and it always made me a bit nostalgic. Fall has a distinct smell and feeling. Smell of warmth and sun and burning leaves, occasionally a woodstove. Every time the weather is right and the same smell is there, it takes me back to my old field hockey glory days, the epitome of fall. Maybe that is why I love the season so much. 

This fall will be a bit different, the past winter, spring and summer, have all been without my new husband. Just as summer officially gives way to fall, Hubby will be coming home to me for 18 days, about 1/3 of the fall season. Hubby has never experienced the fall in New England, the beauty of the red, orange, yellow leaves, the smell, the temperature. 

I was never one to wish summer away, but this summer is a bit different. I still try not to see ugly winter rearing its head on the horizon, but I am focused on fall. How glorious it will be. To spend one of Massachusetts' most wonderful seasons with my Hubby. It can't come soon enough. 

Prayers Please

Hubby and his troop have been fairly lucky with injuries and casualties during their deployment thus far. However, a month or so ago, one of their fellow soldiers was involved in a fluke accident while refueling their generator. He suffered severe burns to a large majority of his body. He has been at Brooke Army Medical Center since June and luckily, has been doing much better as the days progress. However, many prayers are needed to be directed his way, please keep him and his family in your thoughts and prayers. Please visit his mother's blog on his condition: http://www.caringbridge.com/visit/matthewwheeler click on the journal on the top to see what she's had to say and also be sure to sign the guestbook as well. Thanks. 

Half way there...

It's hard to believe that we've already made it through half of this deployment. Seven and a half months have come and gone and I still can't get over the fact that I have not seen Hubby since December. Sometimes I feel that the hardest part is over, but sometimes, I feel that the hardest part is yet to come. The past seven months flew by, but July has been crawling. I'm not sure if it's because R&R is on the horizon. Being just under two months away, it seems that those two months should just fly by, right? Well logically, since the past seven have gone so quickly, you would think that the next two would do the same. Well, all logic is thrown out when it comes to counting down. It seems that the closer I get, the slower time passes. Somehow, I feel like September is never going to get here. Everyday, I think of driving to the airport to pick up Hubby and running into his comforting arms once again. But, every time I think of it, I can't really picture it happening. It just seems like some far away dream that is just that, a dream, and will never become reality. 

The hardest thing that I have come across throughout this experience, is that slowly, as the months have passed, when I close my eyes, I cannot picture Hubby's face. I can't see us doing things together, I can't see the way he looks at me, or his smile or his mannerisms. I can see him from pictures I have in frames in my room, but I just can't seem to remember what it looks like when he comes home from work and sees me waiting for him by the door. That hurts. 

When I do daydream about Hubby's R&R homecoming, I picture my giddy self arriving at the airport several hours before his flight is scheduled to arrive, heading to the USO so I can make my way to the gate through which he will come, and I picture myself having serious butterflies in my stomach, and probably calling Biscuit for some reassurance. I can see all the people filing off the plane and finally seeing Hubby in his uniform and running toward him, wrapping my arms around his neck. The only thing I can't see from that day is his face. 

8 days

Work came. Work went. After 8 days of working with LM, I was getting really excited about the possibility of a future with the company. The benefits and the career options are pretty much endless. Then came the phone call. 

I had the day off today because of an eye doctor appointment. I met my dad for lunch and was making my way back to my room to get started on my PR project when my phone rang. I answered, and it was my boss. To make a long story short and to cut the dialogue that I don't really feel like typing, it goes like this.... I took a temp job with LM as a recruiting assistant and I knew very well that this was a temp job. To cut to the chase, my boss didn't have enough work for me to do and since I was a temp worker, I couldn't get access to the LM network where I would be doing most of the work she hired me for, therefore, no work for me to do. Simple math really. No access + no work = no job. Awesome. She made sure to explain that she appreciated the work I had completed in the 8 days I was there, and that I could use her as a reference in the future. It's just a little disheartening. 

And so the job search ensues. 

My new life plan

Upon successful completion of my first week in a "real" job, I am content with where I stand. In just four days I have already learned so much. Not only is this job a great experience, I am learning a lot about what I want to do with my life, and what I don't. 

My boss a recruiter. Not only do I hear her interviewing at least five candidates a day, but I also hear about what makes them bad and what turns them into an employee. I know that once I leave this job, I will know first-hand what recruiters are looking for, what to say in an interview and how to give an original answer; not the standard, "I think I'd be good at this job because I love meeting new people and I am really outgoing, a definite leader." My boss said that what bothers her more than asking the same questions over and over is hearing the same answers. 

However, most importantly, what I have learned over the last four days is that once Hubby and I finally settle somewhere, I will never work another job where I am stuck in a cubicle for 40 hours each week, staring at a computer screen. The mere thought of typing this blog is the reason why it has been so long since I last updated. I want to do something where I am my own boss, I don't have to answer to someone else, where I can make my own hours and be in charge of my own income, and most importantly, something that I enjoy doing.

With all that being said, I think I have decided that once Hubby and I move back to Charleston, SC, I will start my own wedding planning business. Being the number two wedding location in the country, behind only Vegas, Charleston is the ideal location for me to start this venture. I would want to go back to school to get my MBA, so I have more business background than my minor provided. My sister told me about organizations that help small businesses get started, helping them write their business and marketing plans, doing their taxes and all that other business that entrepreneurs need help with. Anyway, this is my new life plan, any thoughts or suggestions would be greatly appreciated. 

On a side note, Hubby comes home for R&R in 2 months!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hellaciousness' Evil Twin

I found it hard to lie to my future employers' faces and tell them that, "yes I plan on being with this company for many years," when I knew very well that I would be packing up and leaving in February. After numerous interviews with great companies and walking away from amazing opportunities, I have finally found a job where all my cards are laid out on the table. No secrets. 

After four interviews with LM for a sales position, the truth came out. "Well, the truth is sir, my husband and I will be moving to Hawaii in March." I left out the part that I knew this all along. "Unfortunately, we will not be able to continue this process anymore," he explained. "But I think you are a great candidate, so I'll let Sally (my recruiter) know that you may be interested in temp positions." I didn't think anything of it and never expected anything to come of it. I continued my doomed path of interviewing. I came clean to NMFN as well along with Enterprise. 

Ironically, during an interview with Enterprise, Sally called and left me a voicemail. As I pulled my stilettos off my feet and made my way to the car, I listened to the message. "Hi, this is Sally from LM. I was calling because I have a temporary position available and I think you might be interested. Just give me a call back if you are. Thanks, bye." Someone is looking out for me that's for sure. It sounded perfect, ideal for my situation. 

I called her back on Monday and she explained that she liked me a lot and was disappointed when the sales job didn't work out. However, she needed someone to help her out and thought I would be perfect for the job. Not only will I get the two days off to head to SC for my graduation in August, but I will get the 18 days in September when Hubby comes home. Could I ask for a more perfect situation? On top of that, she knows my situation so there are no secrets and there will be no surprise two week notices. 

So, finally, I have a job at LM! I start Monday and I could not be happier!!